Baby

My brother and sister in law are officially having...

A BOY!

I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right.

Modern Romance

Come See Our Show!!

Now at our new location: The Beat Kitchen (2100 W. Belmont)
Sunday, May 3, 2009 7:30pm

Cost: $12 advance / $15 at the door

21+
By web: getmortified.com or beatkitchen.com

Mortified Chicago welcomes spring as only we can with another angst-filled performance at our new location, The Beat Kitchen, on Sunday, May 3, 7:30pm. Our performance will also feature the musical stylings of Chicago’s first—and only—punk-rock choral group, the Blue Ribbon Glee Club (blueribbongleeclub.org). Tickets for the performance are on sale now for $12 at getmortified.com or beatkitchen.com. Remaining tickets can be purchased at the door for $15.

Hailed "a cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and featured frequently on This American Life, Mortified is a personal excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more)...shared with total strangers. Our grassroots stage show, Mortified Live, is the largest and longest-running production of its kind, fueled by intense word of mouth and running in cities dotting our ever-expanding empire of angst (LA, NYC, San Fran, Chicago, Boston, Austin, and Portland, OR).

Mortified Chicago’s May performance at the Beat Kitchen will feature six performers, in addition to the Blue Ribbon Glee Club, and will have a run-time of approximately 90 minutes. Tickets can be purchased in advance online. Seating is first-come. For additional questions, or if you would like to mortify yourself in a future production, please contact Mortified Chicago producer, Brooke Allen. For additional background or to hear clips from previous shows, visit getmortified.com. Share the shame!

The Boyfriend Song

I love my friends. They are amazing. All have them. I should get vegan fishball dumped more often. My friends have been sending texts and cupcakes...but this cheer up gift is my favorite. It's a song written for my by my talented friend Philip to the tune of the Nanny song from Mary Poppins.



Wanted: a boyfriend for one adorable Brooke Allen.

If you'd like to be my boyfriend

Please be kind but don't be vegan.

Bring me surprises and breakfast in bed.

Be wise, not wed.

Never wear crocs or flax.

If you have a unibrow, please wax.

Don't live with your mom or brother.

Shut UP about your bi ex lover.

You must say please, you must be funny.

Must eat cheese and MUST eat honey.

Don't be mean when I say I don't drink.

Be clean. Don't stink.

Be confident but let me talk please

And try to have a bigger c*** please.

If you have a job and some ambition

If you're involved and not in prison.

I won't try to change the way you act or look.

I won't mock your p**** size when we break up.

Hurry boyfriend.

Never doubt

I'm waitin.

But get your shit worked out.

Feel Sorry For Me

I just want everyone in Blog-land to know that I got dumped last night while eating vegan fishballs. If someone is willing to eat vegan fishballs for you, then at least have the respect to wait 24 hours before telling them you are still in love with your ex-girlfriend. That's all I have to say about that.

During this trying time I will be accepting from my friends love letters, pink cupcakes, and anything made out of cheese.

Bump It

http://www.bighappiehair.com/

Someone buy me this! I need a bump it! This is for girls who want to have great big Amy Winehouse hair. Let me tell you girls, when Amy Winehouse talks about "getting a bump" she means something else entirely. Amy's "bump its" are less for the hair and more for the nose.

But also, don't put this thing on your head...it's going to lead to disaster.

And also, someone buy me one.

For my 30th birthday, which is not for a VERY long time, I would like a gift basket of "As Seen on TV" products. A Shamwow, a Bumpit, a Snuggie, a Chia Obama, and The Ped-egg (even though that commercial makes me gag). Someone get on that.

Bump it.

Great New Blog

http://craigenla.blogspot.com/

Everyone click on the link above to go to an awesome new music blog. I don't know who that kid is that is writing it, but he is VERY smart and VERY talented. Although, not as darling and amazing as his older sister...one would guess.

Seriously though, Craigen knows what he's talking about. He also has a picture of his dog wearing headphones, so go check it.

If this doesn't make you happy...your heart is made of coal.

http://digg.com/d1oVKq

TV is Freaking Me Out

I'm housesitting this week at a house with both cable and On Demand. Needless to say, my brain is fried. After hours of "Toddlers in Tiaras" "18 Kids and Counting" "Demetri Martin" and "The Office" I officially hit my max a second ago, when I was flipping channels and came across my own mother in Spanish.

That's right. My mom was in the movie US Marshalls. She had one line. That movie was dubbed into Spanish. So while flipping channels I came across my mother, in her movie, but dubbed by a spanish lady.

This freaked me out more than "Toddlers and Tiaras" and the Duggars combined. It freaked me out even more than the other night when I watched this crappy show called "The Locator" about a guy who finds adopted people and birth families. In that episode, he reunited a 29 year old adopted girl with her birthparents who had subsequently had two more daughters. The Locator mentioned that this is rare and something "YOU NEVER EVER SEE" which made me laugh since it's my exact life. I wrote a strong email. Seriously.

During the Locator there was a commercial for one of those "Medical Freakshow" programs, you know, the ones that disguise themselves as exploring medical mysteries but are really no different than circus sideshows. The episode they were advertising was for "THE WOMAN WITH THE GIANT LEGS" who suffers from the "very rare disease" with the strange name "LYMPHEDEMA". At this point I threw a sock at the tv. First of all, it's not that rare...it's just rare that anyone including doctors knows anything about it, second of all...our legs aren't THAT giant.

I was waiting for a commercial for the new hit show, "Girl with brown hair named Brooke eating cake on her friend's sofa".

So, after seeing my life played out on reality TV in two languages, I've decided to flip it off now and do something normal...like reading my new book "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies."

Birthday Planning

All I'm saying is that I'm growing my hair out...and I have a very important birthday coming up in September. So if y'all want to chip in for something special...

You Pierce My Soul

I'm going to preface this by saying that I've lost 21 pounds...16 since January. 

Now I'm going to tell you, that it was my privilege and honor to eat this with Steve last week. 

Famous People and Game Shows

Don't you think that with all the famous people there are, you would know more of them? Especially now in the age of internet celebrities and B celebrities. Don't you also feel like since game shows are on every single day of the week you should know more people who have been on them?

I am shocked by the lack of celebrities in my life. I am shocked by the lack of game show contestants in my life.

My stepdad used to teach theatre to college students and he taught Steve Carrell. He mentioned that all casually one day. He also taught Jennifer Garner who I actually used to know. I was in junior high and she was in college but we were roommates one summer at Timberlake while my families cabin was being built. She snores. But...so do I. She also made fun of Samson my giant stuffed animal gorilla. (Reader, are you more surprised at learning that I bunked with the Alias star for a summer...or that I had a giant gorilla named Samson? Alas, Jen made it to Hollywood, Samson is still sitting in a chair in my moms attic.) Jen, as she was called then, taught me some things about birth control that I was probably a little too young to learn. She played Fruma Sara in our production of Fiddler on the Roof, I have a picture of that. Then the following year we went to see her in a college production of Cabaret where she played Sally Bowls. That was about it.

My family also knows Michael Gross, the Dad from Family Ties. He was in a play (again, at Timberlake) with my mom called "Love Letters". I remember finding the script "Love Letters" when I was in about third grade and reading the whole thing cover to cover while my mom wasn't looking. Again, probably not appropriate reading for a 9 year old. Y'all, my childhood was different than yours ok?

That's about it for celebs I know. Not that impressive.

In terms of game shows, I only know one. It's the same one most of you know. My friend, who likes to go by "Big Gay Jim" was on the Price Is Right years ago, before I knew him. And if you could just see Bob Barker's face while he hands "Big Gay Jim" his plinko chips...it's amazing. BGJ was someone who used to shout your name as you walked in the door and throw glitter at you. Jim won a decent chunk of money that he spent in seconds flat and I believe also a year supply of eggs.

But really, shouldn't I know more people who have been on television? Shouldn't we all know more people who have been on television? Who do YOU know?

I'm An Aunt!!

I would like to present my new Nephdog. Little Brother Craigen just adopted this adorable puppy from a retriever rescue place in Arizona. I'm so proud of him and excited for him! The dog was born on Christmas so I suggested he name it "Red" for the following reasons:

- In the movie "A Christmas Story" Ralphie wants a Red Rider BB Gun.
- Red is one of the Christmas colors.
- We used to have a retriever named Blue and I think Red would be funny.
- It's cute.

Enjoy these cute pics of my new nephdog. That is the cutest dog I have ever seen in my entire life.

Um, soon we will have more pics of my actual nephew!

BAMJABC: Persuasion

I didn't know I was going to be this sad when the Brooke-And-Mom-Jane-Austen-Book-Club ended, but I really am. To commemorate our lovely time together I bought mom a really pretty bracelet with a quote from Pride & Prejudice on it, and this Jane Austen finger puppet.

As planned from the beginning, we wrapped up by having high tea at the Drake. It was lovely. We got all dressed up. I can sum up my mother for you in this next bit, my mom is 75% ballsy and hillarious, 25% soooooo embarassing. So as we ascended the steps to the tearoom and she commented rather loudly about the ladies in front of us, "Jeans? To tea? GIVE ME A BREAK!" I wasn't sure whether to laugh or blush, so I just did my usual combo. It's hard to judge mom for openly judging strangers when only seconds before in my head I'd whispered to myself, "Stupid trashy can tourists."

The tea was delightful. I had Vanilla Bean tea which was listed under the "Highly Caffeinated" section (I highly regretted it later). There was a three tiered tray of delicious goodies and I would like you to all know that as I placed my pinkies in the air and dabbed a bit of my scone into the lemon curd, the head waiter came rushing over and this is what ensued. (PS, this is one of those times for my mom where she must want to laugh at me and also be sooooo embarrassed).

WAITER: Ma'am! I just had to come over and tell you that you have EXCELLENT scone skills.
ME: Oh! Thank you!
WAITER: Truly, I was just the other day teaching my staff the art of handling a scone at tea and here you are doing it perfectly.
ME: Ah, yes...well...
WAITER: Some people slice the scone, or butter it all at once...but the way you are doing it is exactley right. Great job!

That's right, I was congratulated on my scone skills. SCONE SKILLS. I hope that my Dad was peeking down from the clouds to listen in on that one because he used to always get so embarrassed of our table etiquette when we were kids, mostly because I would butter both sides of the bread as Tate clanged his fork and knife into the table shouting "Food Food Food". (To be fair, this only happened once...but it happened at the Country Club. And what happens at the Country Club is emblazoned on the reputations of upper class white males for the rest of their lives.)

Right. So the final book was Persuasion. I loved it. It was pretty sexy and full of lovers and jealousies and violent injuries. Not just the quiet drawing room shenanigans of other Austen books. I mean, someone falls and gets a brain injury and Austen actually uses the word "Blood" which really threw me for a loop. Mom and I both liked this book a lot and had a lot to say about it. We love Anne Elliott and don't like to see her portrayed as a Fanny Price. This book has a darker side and a sadness to it, and the bad guys seem more villainous than usual, but that makes the totally expected ending a lot richer. The book is about a woman finding out that she can make up her own mind about things and regretting the ways in which her life would be different if she hadn't been so persuaded all the time by her friends and family. Not that I can relate to that at all. Not that this is exactly my life story right now. Not that I took an online quiz to determine which Jane Austen character I am and came up Anne Elliott right away. Sigh.

So, here is my final Jane Austen book summary.

Persuasion:

- Anne Elliott used to be young and pretty. Now she is, gasp, 27. Her younger annoying sister Mary is married, but her older beautiful sister Elizabeth who is 29 ($*&!!&*#^%!) is still holding out for a good enough guy. And by good I mean rich. Anne's dad is a d-bag who is all about appearances and wealth. The family has a friend named Lady Russell. I guess she is an ok person, she loves Anne, but she's also strung up on appearances and money.

- When Anne was younger she fell in love with Frederick Wentworth. He loved her very much. He proposed, her Dad and Lady Russell convinced Anne that Frederick wasn't good enough...she declined. Sadly.

- Now, years later, Anne's circle of friends has grown to include the Crofts. Mrs. Croft's brother is Frederick Wentworth...and he's comin' to town. He's a captain now. And he's rich rich rich. And he's supa sexy.

- Everytime Anne sees Frederick she can hardly breathe. She feels a mix of sadness and joy to be around him. He makes her melt but also makes her harden because she knows that she has to move on. Anne hears through the grapevine that Frederick finds her "quite altered". HARSH.

- Ready for some Austen family lines? This is what makes Austen a challenge...here we go...Admiral Croft's wife Sophie's brother Captain Wentworth begins to form an attachment with Anne's younger sister Mary's husband Charles' younger sister Louisa. Louisa is nice and young and pretty and the opposite of Anne in many ways.

- Louisa is always very headstrong. They talk about her headstrongness alot. So, it's kind of funny when she falls and literally breaks her head.

- Everyone has gone vacationing in Lyme, Anne helps take care of Louisa, Captain Wentworth admires Anne's nursing skills.

- Everyone travels around a lot, as in all Austen novels, we spend hundreds of pages tracking everyone from one carriage ride to the next. Then Anne goes to Bath to be with her mean sister Elizabeth, her jerky dad and her rude friend Lady Russell. A 27 year old woman couldn't just go get an apartment. Sad.

- In bath Anne meets her rich cousin Mr. Elliott who is the heir to her family's estate. Mr. Elliott has the same last name as Anne because, you see, they are cousins. He falls in love with her, but Anne ain't no Fanny Price and she steers clear. She is nearly persuaded by Lady Russell to marry him, but she doesn't let that pushy broad get her way this time.

- Captain Wentworth appears in Bath. What?! I thought for sure he would have gone back to Lyme to marry Louisa. No! Louisa has married another and he never liked her to begin with! Joy!

- Everyone goes to a concert. The sexual tension is rampant. Mr. Elliott is trying to propose to Anne, Captain Wentworth is so sad he starts to leave and Anne rushes after him, "Isn't the concert worth staying for?" "No, Anne, there is nothing here worth staying for." HARSH!

-Anne thinks maybe Wentworth is back in love with her. Get this slimy cousin offa me!

- A bunch of people are sitting together in the drawing room. Captain Wentworth is writing a letter to his friend. Anne is having a conversation about love and who suffers more in lost love, women or men. The party breaks up and Captain Wentworth leaves. He comes rushing back in saying that he forgot his scarf but leaves a note for Anne. He was writing to her all along!

-The note says "You Pierce My Soul."

- ...

- The note says "You Pierce My Soul."

- If I ever got a letter from someone saying "You pierce my soul" I would break down weeping and marry them on the spot. I'm pretty sure it's the most romantic thing anyone ever says in all of Austen litereature. I'm pretty sure it's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. I'm pretty sure that I'm still the most in love with Darcy from Pride and Prejudice because come on...he's Colin Firth, but when it came to this letter I definetely waivered. I get shivers when I read it. Will anyone ever say anthing even half that romantic to me in this lifetime? Mom and I both had to just stop talking at his point and stare at our (perfectly situated) scones.

- You Pierce My Soul.

- The note says a bunch of other things too about how he loves her and has always loved her and has tried not to love her but it didn't work. How he came back for her. But mostly is just says "You Pierce My Soul."

- Anne decides she's not all that crazy about Frederick and takes a boat to New York where she gets an apartment in the Bronx and a job at a factory. She makes a good life for herself but has to turn tricks now and then for extra cash. She gets knocked up and becomes a single mother. The child is born especially tiny and crippled and Anne can't take care of it so she sends it off to live in a boarding house. Just kidding, I just threw that in there because my stepdad suggested now that we are done with Austen we should start Dickens and I wanted to give him a taste of what that would be like. Not the best of times, stepdad, in fact, the worst of times.

- Anne takes off after Frederick, finds him on the street and glows like a young 18 year old instead of like a sallow haggy old 27 year old and they are so happy and they get married. Anne promises never to be persuaded by anyone ever again. The end.

I really like Anne in the same way I like Elizabeth. All Austen heroines eventually make up their own minds and exert their independance, oddly through marriage, but none moreso that Anne Elliott.

My order of preference goes like this:

Pride and Prejudice: Elizabeth Bennett and Darcy.
Persuasion: Anne Elliott and Captain Wentworth.
Sense and Sensibility: Elinor and Edward.
Emma: Emma Woodhouse and Mr. Knightly
Northanger Abbey: Catherine and...um...that guy Catherine marries.
(All other books by all other authors)
Mansfield Park: Fanny Price and HER FIRST COUSIN Edmund Betram.

Sigh. Goodbye BAMJABC, I will miss you.

BAMJABC: Emma & Mansfield Park

Yikes! It has been a while on these, but since Mom and I are finishing up the Jane Austen Book Club this week I thought I should catch up before the grand finale. We decided to read the books in chronological order which means that we should have read Mansfield Park and then Emma but we did it the other way around because...we messed up.

It's fun having these two books together actually because I can't think of two Austen characters less similar. Emma is behaves badly, is the only child currently living at home, is rich and willful and always has her hands in other people's business. She is popular and beautiful and manipulative. Fanny on the other hand, is always well behaved, is one of so many children that her parents must divide them up among the relations, is inherently poor, and is such a doormat that in one scene an entire conversation occurs before someone says, "Hey, where is Fanny?" and Fanny says meekly from the sofa, "I'm right here".

Let me just sum these girls up in this way: Emma gets to be named Emma Woodhouse. Fanny has to be named Fanny Price. 'Nuff said.

The movie "Clueless" is based on Emma, and is actually a closer adaptation than most other more traditional versions (Cough cough, looking at you Paltrow.) So this plot line might sound familiar, let's check it out.

EMMA

- So, Emma is really really rich and lives with her hypochondriac dad who is nice but a little irritating in their great big mansion. She is sad because her nanny has gotten married and moved down the street.

- Mr. Knightly is "like a brother" to Emma. Mmmm Hmmm.

- Mr. Elton is "like a creep" to Emma. He is totally in love with her but she's all, "I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole...but I have this friend you might like..."

- By the way Emma is a hopeless matchmaker.

- Emma has a new friend Harriet who is sort of a mess and would fall in love with a shoe if it told her she was pretty. Emma convinces Harriet that Mr. Elton is in love with her.

- Mr. Churchill comes to town and Emma thinks maybe she might have a thing for him.

- There is a girl named Jane, Emma thinks she's a pain in the ass.

- Mr. Elton professes his love for Emma, EW! Harriet is heartbroken. Harriet falls for Mr. Churchill. Tension.

- Emma goes to a picnic and is totally rude to a lady telling a boring story. Mr. Knightly scolds Emma BIG TIME. Emma feels like shit. "NOTHING IS GOING MY WAY!"

- Mr. Churchill and Jane reveal they are secretly engaged. There is a piano involved, but I read this a while ago now...

- Harriet is no longer in love with Mr. Elton (she burns all his memoribilia in a fireplace) and she is no longer in love with Mr. Churchill (he saved her from gypsies, she got over it) Now she's way into Mr. Knightly.

- Emma haaaaaaaaaates that Harriet likes Mr. Knightly. "Why should that bother me? Oh, I know, BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!"

- Emma reveals to Mr. Knightly that she is madly in love with him. (Romantic, but kind of a bitch friendship move) Mr. Knightly almost cries with happiness because, oh my god, he's totally in love with her too That worked out perfectly!

- Emma breaks the news to Harriet that she's engaged to Knightly, Harriet is PIIIIISSSSSED. They stop talking. Poor Plain Harriet.

- Emma mends some of her bitchy ways.

- Harriet stops talking to Emma. But then returns to say that she is now engaged to Mr. Martin, whom she has really loved all along but Emma always said he wasn't good enough for her.

- They all rejoice and are friends.

MANSFIELD PARK

- Fanny Price is nine years old. Her parents are poor because her dad is a drunken sailor. They live in squalor and there are a million kids.

- Fanny goes to live with her mother's sister and family (The Bertrams) at Mansfield Park. It's fancy there.

- Fanny is scared of everyone and everything. This is mostly because Fanny has no balls.

- Fanny REALLY misses her brother William who she REALLY loves. A lot. In a special way.

- Her older cousin Edmund sees her crying and consoles her. He becomes "Like a brother" to her. (A special brother...)

- Fanny grows up and mostly never says or does anything except help her big fat lazy aunt who lies around all day petting her dogs. Fanny does a lot of aggreeing and fainting and crying because of how much she SERIOUSLY MISSES her older brother.

- The kids at Mansfield Park make friends with The Crawfords. Mary Crawford works her magic on Edmund, Henry Crawford starts wooing Edmunds sister Maria.

- The kids decide to put on a play. Edmund and Fanny think this is a terrible idea. THEATRE IS FOR WHORES AND GAYS!

- During rehearsals for the play Maria and Henry have a full out affair while Mary brings Edmund to the point of almost having an emotion. Mr. Bertram who has been out of town (he may or may not be a slave trader) returns and is AGHAST that TEHATRE might be happening in his house.

- The play is cancelled THANK GOD.

- A bunch of stuff happens. Brooke tries desperately to keep herself awake during this book.

- Everyone takes a walk in the park. Fanny is too tired to walk and has to sit on a bench. Everyone forgets about her and she ends up sitting there alone for hours. Pathetic.

- Fanny goes home to visit her trashy family, thinks they are trashy. Henry comes to visit her there and puts the moves on her. Ew! Henry? Fanny feels all icky and refuses him.

- A bunch more stuff happens while I do everything I can to keep my head propped up and my eyes open.

- Yadda yadda, Fanny marries her cousin Edmund. She would probably rather have married her brother William. Either way, chick has a fetish. Or really wants a two headed baby.

So there, now we are caught up. Those were pretty bad recaps, but I will do better with Persuasion I promise!!

Things that made me laugh this week.

On the way to Brigitte's house the other day I was walking behind this denim loving couple. They REALLY like denim.

This white out pen in my office looks like it's pregnant.

Decoration Citations

The World is a series of extremes. For Example, this house, which Kristen was kind enough to pull over so I could photograph is a little hard to see, but has easter eggs in the upstairs windows, a cross on the front door, a shamrock in the living room window, and a Christmas tree outside. There were also hanging Christmas lights inside. (When the first photo didn't turn out Kristen drove around the block so we could try again and said very seriously, "We'll go around the block, I know how much this means to you." That's friendship.)




Then on the flip side we have this house. One lousy ribbon on one lousy tree. I was tempted to just pull it off myself. Christmas is OVER! Let the dream die!

High Tea

Mom and I are having High Tea at the Drake on Sunday. Today at work Daren helped me try on a few "High Tea" hats...which do you think is best?

This one is called "The Fancy Cowgirl"

Daren calls this number "The Boy George"

Here we have "The Innocent Rose"


And this one is called the "If ou put this picture on your blog I will kill you."

We Don't Need Another Hero

I watched the movie Twilight last night. I've never read the books, so perhaps they are different than the movie. All I have to say though is that this movie presents a strange code of behavior to teenage girls. Not that it's a problem to fall in love with a vampire. Not that it's a problem to have a torrid affair with hot mysterious guys, I mean, don't knock it till you've tried it. (Although girls, I'll give you a heads up, the "mysterious" guys are usually just boring.) The problem for me was in presenting a character, Bella, who is stalked by Edward (to the point of his crawling in her window and watching her sleep), then when she tries to reach out to Edward he is a total jerk to her, then professes that his inability to control her has made him fall in love with her, then he further confesses that even though he is in love with her...he's afraid he might violently attack her to the point of killing her.

Bella's response: "That's ok."

I might just be hyper sensitive...but have any of you listened to the comments teenage girls have had about super star Rhianna getting beat up by her boyfriend Chris Brown? Many of them have said, "I heard she deserved it".
Am I comparing Rhianna to Bella? Kinda. What exactly are we teaching girls these days? Edward continually saves clumsy Bella from car accidents, near gang rape (which by the way...I didn't understand why an enormous group of guys from small town Forks Washington suddenly wanted to gang rape the Sheriffs daughter in the middle of a public area, but so be it.) As well as from other hungry vampires, including his own family. Thus far, and maybe I need to wait (on pins and needles) for the sequel...Bella has really been quite the damsel in distress. Which isn't a problem I guess, but this whole "She owes him her life" and "It's ok that he's a jerk to her, he saved her life" thing is a little questionable.

There seems to be a nice young boy named Jacob from a nearby reservation who likes Bella. He's polite and cute and seems to genuinely like her as a person, not just because she smells yummy. I have a thing for native Americans (and Canadians) so maybe I'm a little biased, but he seems to be a fine young gentleman. However, she would rather be with her brooding vampire boyfriend. I mean, what is wrong with her? ...Wait, scratch that, someone just told me Jacob is a Werewolf. God damn it.

I got to thinking about this blog post and how all heroines should be more like Elizabeth Bennett. She takes that asshat Darcy and makes him into a respectable man, she won't even consider him until he shows her the respect that she's entitled to. (Um, did anyone notice what just happened there? That was not intentional. Wow. Can you imagine...ELIZABETH: "Why can't you give me the RESPECT that I'm entitled to?" DARCY: "Because I am NOT one of your FAAAAAAAAAANS!")

But you know what? Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice is an exception among Austen heroines, most of them are melly-mouthed wimps to some degree. (Melly mouthed as in "Melly" from Gone With the Wind. The ultimate wimp. She's so insecure she barely exists. I loathe Melly. I love Scarlett. Scarlett was originally supposed to be named Pansy you know. You guys, I'm turning into a middle aged gay man.) Look at Fanny Price from Mansfield Park...people don't even notice her when she's in the same room with them and she is so self loathing she doesn't even think she's good enough for her own first cousin. (Melly also married her first cousin. Wern't people worried about two headed babies back then? Ashley only married her though because of tradition, and he was too scared of Scarlett. Those Wilkes! I detest them! Rhett was so super sexy! Although Clark Gable couldn't dance, he had to stand on a turntable that danced for him...plus I heard he was gay and had a tiny dong.) So maybe this Bella Swan thing is nothing new. Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm pushing 30 and there's been no Darcy or Edward Cullen or Rhett Butler or any other twisted version of Prince Charming yet. I need to take a moment and think about something that makes me happy...
Yeah...you get in that pond Mr. Darcy. There. I feel much better now.

I think I'm getting a little wrapped up in the negative messages this story is giving to young women. Sigh, maybe I just need to chillax and let the teens have their fun. Let's be honest, when I was a self hating Tori Amos loving 15 year old I would have been all over this Twilight business.

But I still would have gone for Jacob, werewolf or not.

Teacup

I'm a cat person, not a dog person.

And if I were going to own a dog, I always pictured owning a really big one, something loyal and protective and regal.

And my building doesn't allow dogs.

And I really personally would only want a pound puppy, not a breeder dog.

And my cat would flip out.

So...why are teacup yorkies the only think on my mind these days?