Guest Blogger: Philip Dawkins-Gunn

Philip, you are IN.
I decided that anyone who can make me laugh as hard as Philip did this morning when he called to tell me this story deserves to be a guest blogger on Feeling Kinda Blog Today. You too may be a guest one day, if I like you and you make me laugh and I say, "You have to write that and I will put it on my blog! No, seriously, have it written by 5:00pm". Philip is a long time friend of mine, he is fun to be around, witty, sharp as a knife, a very talented writer and actor...and now...couture designer for the millenium. The first time I saw him he was dressed like a rhino and I was letting little children play with knives, but that's a story for a different day. Special thanks to Philip for writing this piece for us, I've attached the pic of him and his model that was seen in the Tribune this afternoon. Enjoy!


PROJECT FUNDAY: BY PHILIP DAWKINS
In the words of Andrae, “Where do I begin?”
Thursday was quite possibly the most fun I’ve ever had waiting in line for anything. EVER. And, I’m including the line for Space Mountain. I mean, this was fun with a capital F.U. Usually I’m not all about waiting in lines unless there’s Santa, a rollercoaster, or bread at the end of it, but this was great. And the only thing at the end of this line was a big steamy pile of rejection. I loved it.
I refer, of course, to my marathon audition for Project Runway Season Three. I’d tell you more about the season, but they made me sign my life away on this confidentiality agreement. It’s all legal jargon, but basically, if I talk too much about it, Heidi Klum will cut my balls off with a pair of sewing sheers.
So, here’s absolutely everything that happened!

MISSION ONE: BRAVE THE COLD (and the W)
I arrived bright and freezing at 6:45 in the a.m. to wait outside of the W hotel. Of course it’s at the W, as if the day couldn’t get any gayer. I waited in line in front of the drag queen named Glenn. (Fabulous darling, we’re loving the earings.), and behind the goth Art Institute grad (G.A.I.G.). At seven fifteen or so, I was joined by my friend Lauren who rode her bike all the way from Bucktown to be my model. Might I mention that many o’ designers there had hired professional models? Lauren took a “personal day” off of work, and brought her knitting in case it got boring. We put the real in Reality TV, people.

MISSION TWO: DRUG THE PRODUCER
So, we wait forever outside, and then one of the producers makes his way through the line doing pre interview interviews. So, this producer is clearly high on everything but paint thinner. By the time he gets to me in line, he looks as haggard as Karen Allen in Superman when she falls over Niagara Falls. (Pr just like Karen Allen period. Have you seen her lately? Oh my god.) Anyway, he tells me he has to excuse himself because he has a headache.
Me: You’ve got a long line ahead of you to have a headache already.
Coked-out Producer: Tell me about it.
Me: Do you want some Tylenol?
Stoner Producer: Thanks man, that’s nice, but I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to accept drugs from you.
Me: Are you sure? They’re extra strength.
Betty Ford: Tempting, but I better get my own.
Me: (shifting my eyes, and rubbing my nose nervously ala the sketchy dealer on Clark and Devon) Okay, man, well this is my spot. So you know where to go if you need “the stuff.”
Courtney Love: (Laughing.) Thanks, man. I’ll be right back.

At this point, Lauren looks at me and I say, “Did I really just mockingly offer to sell the producer drugs?” Lauren: “Yep.”
He comes back, now high on Tylenol and probably a bottle of W hotel brand mouthwash. I wow him with my ability to speak, and . . . we pass.

MISSION THREE: Charm the Pre-screeners.
So, now it’s my turn to go into the pre-screen room. Now, I’m not a professional fashion designer by any stretch. I build costumes for theatre, and I’ve been known to throw a few outfits together. Do I think I have a shot? Absolutely not. Am I here to have a big campy fun time? You bet your grandmamma’s thimble I am.
But, when I see that the drama-hound from Oklahoma city, who designs what I can only describe as full length figure skating costumes (and I mean, the REALLY bad kind), makes it past the pre-screen, I start feeling pretty good about myself.
But, oh no! Latritcia, the delightful woman who was one person in front of us and who drove all the way from Detroit to be here today, didn’t make it past the pre-screeners. It’s a long ride home for her, and no television interview, no Tim Gunn, and no Nick Verreos.

Oh time out: Nick Verreos, ya’ll. Did everybody watch Season Two? Did we all think Nick was a big whiney bitch with minimal talent, a bad goatee, and way too much attitude? Because I did. I loved Santino, even though the producers (who we now know for a fact are all hooked on hotel dish soap) tried their Bravo-iest to edit him to look awful. But, in my opinion, they tried to make Nick look like this sweet little ball of yummy gayness. Well, I’m not buying it. He’s mean and yucky, and I wouldn’t let him buy a drink even if he were the last available bottom in Boystown.

That said, Nick was the guest judge for Chicago. Naturally. He stepped out of his car, walked up to the line of contestants, and started delivering a totally stupid, unwarranted motivational speech. (He was really impressed with the long form figure skating dresses. Yack! “It’s like Paris Hilton on a Greek Island in the winter skating with Nikki Hilton in the blah blah blah”). Then, he complained that it was cold, but that he enjoyed being in Chicago for the first time ever. I’ll just say this because it’s true: I don’t trust any American over forty who has never been to Chicago. It’s there. You practically have to go out of your way not to visit. If you’ve never been to Akron, okay, let’s plan a trip. If you’ve never been to Chicago, you’re suspect.

And does anyone else think that Nick Verreos looks like one of those chickens from CHICKEN RUN? He talks like a Wallace and Grommitt character. And I mean that in the nicest way, with no disrespect to Wallace and Grommitt.
I hate Nick Verroes.

MISSION FOUR: BIG LOVE TO THE PRES-CREENERS.
So Lauren, my beautiful model and I walk into the W lobby, where we sit down in front of the two pre-screeners. No cameras, no lights. Just two interns. One gorgeous woman with curly hair, and a young humpy fucker I had been eye balling earlier in hopes of hard-balling him later. I had no idea he was a pre-screener at the time. I just kinda wanted to get him alone and squeeze him. As I sat down, unbuttoning my coat, they asked how I was, I said, "Great! How are you guys?" They said, "Good, thanks for asking. Actually, we're running behind, so you get a freebee. Wanna just go right on up?" I said, "Yes thank you." I stood up, extended my hand to shake and said, "I feel like this interview went well." They laughed. I laughed. A good time was had by all.

MISSION FIVE: MEET TIM GUNN
Okay, so I never thought I’d get this far, and had I not been making googley eyes at the chunky intern, and had I not asked how they were doing, my shoddy designs probably would have gotten me a one way ticket to the diner down the street. BUT, that’s not what happened. Now, Lauren, myself, a guy named Otho, and drag queen named Glenn in more crinoline, and one very nervous Rockabilly chick are all waiting in line to get into “The Room.” Inside the room, we are told are the camera crew, lights, two other producers and (fanfare, please) Tim Gunn . . . andnickverreosbutwhothefuckcares.

The sound guy suits me up with a mike. I ask him if he’d mike Lauren too but he says the models don’t talk. I inform him that my model is both beautiful AND witty, and he gives me a look-don’t-start-with-me look. Considering that not two minutes ago this man handed me a piece of electrical equipment and said, “Drop this down your pants for me,” I decided to let it pass.

Waiting outside the door of “The Room,” we whispered with the sexy production assistant, Aga. I was wearing a jacket I had reconstructed from a Halston sport coat, a bowling sweatshirt, a yellow Hockey jersey, and a hoodie that I’m pretty sure spent a fair amount of time in a Curves for Women locker. Aga asks me what my shirt says, and I pull back my jacket to show her. In fact my shirt says, I CAN PULL THIS SHIRT OFF. The back of it is corseted with orange elastic, and the sleeves have different elastic contraptions holding them up. I made it, you see. Aga forces the jacket off of me and informs me that I MUST MUST MUST wear the shirt and not the jacket. “Really?” I ask. I’m not that big a fan of the corseted back. In my opinion it’s an experiment that didn’t quite work. She tells me, it absolutely works, it’ll get me on camera, and I HAVE to take off the jacket. So, cute Rockabilly chick loans me one of her hangers (bless the heart tattoed on her ankle) and I hang up may jacket to take in as one of my pieces. The door opens, I breathe. I’m about to walk into a room with Tim Gunn wearing a corset that says, I CAN PULL THIS SHIRT OFF.
And, then I do.

MISSION SIX: LOVE TIM GUNN SO HARD
Oh, my god, I was full-out beside myself. If you don’t watch the show, you may not understand, but if you do, then you know that Tim Gunn is actually Jesus Christ. And that he designs for our sins. This is true.
Nick Verreos is Satan, and should be showered in goat blood.
I wish Santino had been there. I think he would have dug on my stuff. As it is, Nick is stupid, and we know this, and he had no appreciation. But it was Tim Gunn who gave the death blow. He was very nice, and just as handsome in person. He liked what he saw, and said he understood that, as a costume designer, all my designs are sitting in theatre basements across the midwest, but that I really didn't have much to show him . . . which is true. So, I smiled really big and said thank you and had a fabulous day.

TIM GUNN/JESUS CHRIST: Look, we love costume designers. It’s very important and hard work that you do. But, you really haven’t brought anything of your own to show us. So, I guess all I can say is good work and good luck in the rest of your theatre career.

ME: Okay, thanks a lot. (thinking inside: Marry me marry me marry me.)

I left exhilarated. I never expected to make it this far. And to hear a renowned fashion master give a shout out to the theatre really felt great. BEST REJECTION EVER!
Oh, but that Nick? After saying no, Tim Gunn (who is gorgeous) passed my portfolio to Nick Verreos (who is short), and all Nick said was, “Yeah, no, I pass.”
What a bitch! When he was giving his pep talk to the crowd, even the drag queen behind me was like, "God, that's faggy."

MISSION FIVE: BUY MY SEXY MODEL VEGAN PANCAKES AT EARWAX
Which I did. And we loved it. And we will have these memories forever.
Now, I guess we just have to wait around and, as Michael Korrs says, “Watch what happens.”
I’ll pass,
Philip.