BAMJABC: Emma & Mansfield Park

Yikes! It has been a while on these, but since Mom and I are finishing up the Jane Austen Book Club this week I thought I should catch up before the grand finale. We decided to read the books in chronological order which means that we should have read Mansfield Park and then Emma but we did it the other way around because...we messed up.

It's fun having these two books together actually because I can't think of two Austen characters less similar. Emma is behaves badly, is the only child currently living at home, is rich and willful and always has her hands in other people's business. She is popular and beautiful and manipulative. Fanny on the other hand, is always well behaved, is one of so many children that her parents must divide them up among the relations, is inherently poor, and is such a doormat that in one scene an entire conversation occurs before someone says, "Hey, where is Fanny?" and Fanny says meekly from the sofa, "I'm right here".

Let me just sum these girls up in this way: Emma gets to be named Emma Woodhouse. Fanny has to be named Fanny Price. 'Nuff said.

The movie "Clueless" is based on Emma, and is actually a closer adaptation than most other more traditional versions (Cough cough, looking at you Paltrow.) So this plot line might sound familiar, let's check it out.

EMMA

- So, Emma is really really rich and lives with her hypochondriac dad who is nice but a little irritating in their great big mansion. She is sad because her nanny has gotten married and moved down the street.

- Mr. Knightly is "like a brother" to Emma. Mmmm Hmmm.

- Mr. Elton is "like a creep" to Emma. He is totally in love with her but she's all, "I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole...but I have this friend you might like..."

- By the way Emma is a hopeless matchmaker.

- Emma has a new friend Harriet who is sort of a mess and would fall in love with a shoe if it told her she was pretty. Emma convinces Harriet that Mr. Elton is in love with her.

- Mr. Churchill comes to town and Emma thinks maybe she might have a thing for him.

- There is a girl named Jane, Emma thinks she's a pain in the ass.

- Mr. Elton professes his love for Emma, EW! Harriet is heartbroken. Harriet falls for Mr. Churchill. Tension.

- Emma goes to a picnic and is totally rude to a lady telling a boring story. Mr. Knightly scolds Emma BIG TIME. Emma feels like shit. "NOTHING IS GOING MY WAY!"

- Mr. Churchill and Jane reveal they are secretly engaged. There is a piano involved, but I read this a while ago now...

- Harriet is no longer in love with Mr. Elton (she burns all his memoribilia in a fireplace) and she is no longer in love with Mr. Churchill (he saved her from gypsies, she got over it) Now she's way into Mr. Knightly.

- Emma haaaaaaaaaates that Harriet likes Mr. Knightly. "Why should that bother me? Oh, I know, BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!"

- Emma reveals to Mr. Knightly that she is madly in love with him. (Romantic, but kind of a bitch friendship move) Mr. Knightly almost cries with happiness because, oh my god, he's totally in love with her too That worked out perfectly!

- Emma breaks the news to Harriet that she's engaged to Knightly, Harriet is PIIIIISSSSSED. They stop talking. Poor Plain Harriet.

- Emma mends some of her bitchy ways.

- Harriet stops talking to Emma. But then returns to say that she is now engaged to Mr. Martin, whom she has really loved all along but Emma always said he wasn't good enough for her.

- They all rejoice and are friends.

MANSFIELD PARK

- Fanny Price is nine years old. Her parents are poor because her dad is a drunken sailor. They live in squalor and there are a million kids.

- Fanny goes to live with her mother's sister and family (The Bertrams) at Mansfield Park. It's fancy there.

- Fanny is scared of everyone and everything. This is mostly because Fanny has no balls.

- Fanny REALLY misses her brother William who she REALLY loves. A lot. In a special way.

- Her older cousin Edmund sees her crying and consoles her. He becomes "Like a brother" to her. (A special brother...)

- Fanny grows up and mostly never says or does anything except help her big fat lazy aunt who lies around all day petting her dogs. Fanny does a lot of aggreeing and fainting and crying because of how much she SERIOUSLY MISSES her older brother.

- The kids at Mansfield Park make friends with The Crawfords. Mary Crawford works her magic on Edmund, Henry Crawford starts wooing Edmunds sister Maria.

- The kids decide to put on a play. Edmund and Fanny think this is a terrible idea. THEATRE IS FOR WHORES AND GAYS!

- During rehearsals for the play Maria and Henry have a full out affair while Mary brings Edmund to the point of almost having an emotion. Mr. Bertram who has been out of town (he may or may not be a slave trader) returns and is AGHAST that TEHATRE might be happening in his house.

- The play is cancelled THANK GOD.

- A bunch of stuff happens. Brooke tries desperately to keep herself awake during this book.

- Everyone takes a walk in the park. Fanny is too tired to walk and has to sit on a bench. Everyone forgets about her and she ends up sitting there alone for hours. Pathetic.

- Fanny goes home to visit her trashy family, thinks they are trashy. Henry comes to visit her there and puts the moves on her. Ew! Henry? Fanny feels all icky and refuses him.

- A bunch more stuff happens while I do everything I can to keep my head propped up and my eyes open.

- Yadda yadda, Fanny marries her cousin Edmund. She would probably rather have married her brother William. Either way, chick has a fetish. Or really wants a two headed baby.

So there, now we are caught up. Those were pretty bad recaps, but I will do better with Persuasion I promise!!