Out of Sorts

I've had a string of asthma attacks this last week, that always happens when the weather changes. Let me ask anyone with asthma this question, do inhalers go bad? Or do you just wait until they go empty to get a refill? Also, are they supposed to make you feel that shaky? Ok thanks.

Last night I went to Trax, on a Friday which is like a circle of hell. I had spent the last four days nearly quarantined in my room. Depressed about not working, feeling sort of sicky from the weather, not hungry and therefore not eating and therefore not able to stand very long without getting a headrush. It was a little bit of a Brooke pity party and Lucy was the only one invited. So when Brannen finally convinced me to go out on Friday to Trax...where all of our friends were...I wasn't really in the mood but thought "You need to leave your house."

My friends were there, after a rough week of rehearsals and a promo appearance earlier that night...they were reasonably tanked. Some of them I rarely see tanked and it was making me giggle, "BROOKE! Cannu hol this drink? i gotta pee." (Just kidding Brig!). I was hot though, and had just used my inhaler, and after four days of dark solitude...the shininess of Trax mixed with all the excitement of my friends which normally would have been amazing became strangely overwhelming. I drank water, seemed like a better idea in my head-state, and sort of searched for a place to stand where I wouldn't be run over by the stop and go of sparkly boys looking for their sparkly boyfriends.
"Why arn't you drinking?" - Don't feel like it.
"Where do you work now?" - Nowhere, still.
"Nowhere? How do you support yourself?" - I don't, really.
"Are you seeing anyone?" - No.
"Well, what's new?" - Literally nothing. My Monday faded into Friday this week while I slept and watched Nick at Nite. Should I tell people that my big accomplishment was finally getting Lucy to Sleep under the covers with her head on a pillow like I've always wanted her to do cause it looks so funny? Nah. I found myself feeling like a pinball...here come logical questions about my life, quick move to the next person.

The highlight of the night was when I turned to my friend and said, "Wanna go smoke?" and the fllowing "who's on first "ensued...
"Sure, I'll show you where to go, but I'm not gonna smoke."
"Where to go?"
"Yeah, I can show you."
"To smoke a cigarette?"
"Yeah...OH...did you mean you were gonna go smoke something else?"
"NO! What are you talking about? Is that what you were going to go do?"
"NO!"
"Oh, I'm so confused."
"Me too, wanna go smoke?"
"Ok."
As we smoked (cigarettes) I learned that she is dating someone I sort of dated once which wasn't really awkward but did lead to putting my thoughts on pause for a moment and dividing all the things I was about to say into "appropriate" and "inapropriate" before I continued talking.

I lasted about twenty more minutes before I shut off completely. "You don't even understand how crazy brilliant I am" slurred a friend of a friend. I smiled and just walked away, which I guess was rude but it's doubtful that he'll remember anyway.

I thought to myself, "I wish Brooke was here."

Then I found Brannen and gave him the "I'm on a three minute countdown" staredown. On the walk back to the car I gripped my inhaler, denied a drunk man money (he was "collecting" for dying children), apologized to Brannen that I had wanted to leave early and went home to stare at the cat for a while.

It's not my friends, I love my friends. They are so silly and fun. I just wasn't in it last night. I was a poo this week. So I'm sorry friends who I may have been a little rude to, I love you lots!!

Especially you, Chicken...you told me you were going to dress like a Chicken for halloween and sit in a vat of BBQ sauce flapping your wings and shouting "I'm a chicken." I want you to know that I understand you were intoxicated...but I'm holding you to that. xoxo.

This morning my mom picked me up and we had lunch at the yummy place. It's nice to have your mom around sometimes cause...she smells like your mom. We had delicious roasted red pepper soup and sanwiches like the ladies we are and then went to Trader Joes. Again, lots of people, screaming babies...carts running into strangely placed fruit displays. Panic started creeping up from the pit of my stomach. I tried to go grocery shopping with Brannen lat week and found the whole thing so overwhelming that I left with only a bottle of water. Today I felt that way but Mom is good and just sort of started loading things into the car for me. At the last minute I was able to scam her into donating a case of wine to the opening night party I'm planning (more on that after I finish this long depressing blog about my poor sad life) so that was good.

When mom dropped me off I felt that awful homesick feeling you get when you are a little toddler. When the place you call home isn't your house, it's your mother...so when your mother leaves you scream like hell and throw yourself against the door until the nervous babysitter can distract you with something. I didn't throw myself against the door today, but I did throw mysel into bed...with the kitty...and made her sleep under the overs with her head on the pillow to make me laugh.

Sufficed to say, I've been a bit of a blooberyblah lately. This whole last year of unemployment filled by gaps of semi-employment combined with massive weight gain and major reevaluation of character have forced me through various tunnels of anxiety, shame and exhaustion. I've been a little short tempered lately, which sweet Brannen has been kind enough to take the brunt of and a little anti-social. I just know that once I have a job and some ground beneath my feet things will be so much...more fun.

The good news is this.
1.I'm writing a new play (I got a little bored with the old one and the rewrites got so clumpy that I put the whole thing on pause and am writing a new, clean, short thing that I really like.)
2. I've lost a couple pounders.
3. Lucy just jumped on the bed and immediately went under the covers and put her head on the pillow which made me laugh.
At least I know that you can always teach an old cat new tricks.