Thinking About Moms

Were you an accident? Or were you planned? Or were you a pleasant surprise?

These are vastly different things and tonight I got to thinking about all of them. So often we think of our parents as not having any other identity besides being our parents. Their names are mom and dad and their only thoughts and resposibilities are toward us. But how strange to think that they had these whole full lives full of getting in trouble and feeling insecure and worrying about what their parents thought of them before we were born. And...still.

Here are my definitions:

Accident: Oh shit...what are we gonna do?

Planned: We want a baby...let's have one.

Surprise: Um...oops...but....yay!

I was all three. Depending on which set of parents you talk to. Initially I was on the "Oh Shit"-List, but then I was on the "We want a white newborn girl"-list, and then I was on the "You have kids?...That's cool, I'll still marry you" list. So I sort of know all sides.

Don't think about your parents conceiving you...cause who wants to think about that? But do think about your mother for a second. Think about her...as a person, finding out that she was pregnant with you. That minute where she realized, "Oh my god...this is seriously happening" whether in a good way or not. How strange to think that you were once inside this person that you have everything or nothing in common with. Or think about your mom who adopted you and got a phone call while she was taking a shower one day saying that she could come pick up her new daughter on Wednesday so she better hurry and buy some baby girl clothes. Or think about your stepmother who loved your father so much that she met you at a McDonalds when you were six and gave you a bunch of toys in the hopes that you might forgive her.

Which one will I be?

When you are little you think there is such a marvelous difference between chidhood and adulthood...and then you grow up and realize there is not. At the core you are still the same person you have always been with many of the same initial fears and anxieties. To have this person suddenly counting on you to be the responsible adult with all of the answers seems like it would be intimidating, wild and frightening.

Sometimes I think that I will be a really overprotective parent because I will look at my child's toes and think "those are my toes". Since I made them. I worry that since the kid is my creation I will want it to be how I want it to be and not understand that it is seperate from me in a lot of ways. Do our mother's think that way? Does my mother ever look at me and think proudly, "That is because of me" or think sadly, "That is beacuse of me". Did my father?

If you think about your parents as separate human beings too much it makes you hurt a little. Because I suppose to think of your parent as being vulnerable makes you feel, to a certain extent, vulnerable. To think of my mother at one time having a grandmother...and then at some point being a grandmother...makes me realize that there is this entire life she had that I was not a part of. I was only a hopeful, "Maybe one day" hypothetical idea. And that there will be this continuation of that life that will outlive her and I. It kind of blows my mind. To think that one day I will have kids and then they will grow up to be grandparents...to think that there is this entire line of women, hundreds of them...that all led up to me but won't stop with me...I will only be one lifetime among many...it's strangely humbling.

Do accident babies live different lives than surprise babies? Do planned babies feel more pressure? Does knowing that you were unwanted lead you to continue feeling unwanted for the rest of your life? Does knowing that you were expected and calculated make you feel like there are shoes to fill?

And who would be here instead if there had been a fight that night? If a plane had been delayed or someone "had a headache"? Anyone? No one? Where would your older siblings be right now if they had been given a little sister instead, or a little brother instead...or no one at all?

You can go on forever about these thoughts. Or...at least I can. But no matter what the circumstances I like to believe that all the women who are responsible for me felt both strong and scared at the same time. It makes them human. And as an adult I like to be able to think of my parents as humans. I like to think that they looked at me right after I was born and I was brand new to the earth...or three days after getting a call that that they had the daughter they had been hoping for, for three years, when I was a month old...or in the parking lot of a McDonalds when I was six and sort of came-with-the-deal...and that maybe they thought the same way I would...

"This is so much to try and understand."