Thanks A Bunch USA Male Figure Skaters.

"Hi Everyone! I'm Jeffrey! Jeffrey Buttle!"

Well, the three male figure skaters from the US served up a heaping piping hot portion of suck tonight. In fact, all the skaters did really. Here we go...
The evening started with some mediocre skaters, one of whom was dressed like a pirate. I kid you not. I would have liked it so much more if he was wearing an eye patch and perhaps he would have received a higher score for difficulty that way. The bitchy announcer (not Scott Hamilton, the woman) said, "Wow, I hope he's put as much effort into his program as he has into his costume" which made me respect her a little more. But alas. He appropriately skated to the soundtrack "Pirates of the Caribbean" which was good, I was momentarily nervous that he might be dressed like a pirate and skating to Swan Lake or Adagio for Strings. He blew.
Then there was the guy from Bulgaria who couldn't seem to stand up. Perhaps he was drunk? I think he fell on every single jump and then ended his performance about 15 seconds before his music ended, which frankly was quite uncomfortable for everyone.
Evan Lisecheck from the USA skated beautifully and wonderfully. It was really lovely. And perfect. And if he hadn't skated the short program on Monday like his legs were made of toothpicks held together by jello, he might have had a chance tonight. Still he was the winner in my heart. I mean, I could have done without all his graphic detailed commentary about his stomach flu...but whatev. And he's pretty hot. You know...for a gay figure skater...nevermind. Regardless, I liked his costume better tonight, simple black with a piece of red fabric strangely tied around his hand instead of his short programs "Matador" ensemble.
American Jonny Weir totally blew it. He flat out didn't do one of his jumps. Like, not that he fell, he just didn't do it. Set himself up for it and then just kept going. Oh Jonny.
The other American was dull and dressed like Robin Hood.
Yvgeny Pleshenko who had about a four hundred point lead going in tonight nailed every move. His program was heavily technical and uninspired but he deserved the win. Perhaps if he'd actually been challenged this year instead of having to skate against a group of circus clowns he might have been moved during his national anthem instead of standing there like the tin man, forcing me to search for my oil can in order to help make him at least smile. His outft was sparkly. He was taking pictures and doing gold medal interviews before the night was even over.
And that Tiger striped shirt guy from Switzerland...what on earth? It was multicolored too. You know I had a plaid shirt like that when I was at the stab-you-in-the-eye-painful age of thirteen that I wore with leggings and keds. You took me back to that place, Switzerland, and for that you will never be forgiven...silver medal or no silver medal.
And finally there was our unexpected favorite. Not because he was good, he was actually pretty bad, though he won the bronze (way to go new scoring system!) Jeffrey Buttle from Canada. This young man prompted Brannen and I to create our new favorite thing in the world, "Jeffrey Buttle Voice" which is sort of a cross between Beaver Clever and Ralph Wiggum. In our world Jeffrey Buttle says things like, "Wheee! I'm spinning!" and "Boy oh Boy! I did my personal best!" and "Ouch! I fell and landed on my Buttle!" In our world Jeffrey Buttle is also very young and sexually ambiguous which therefore makes him homophobic so he also says things like, "Jonny Weir is a big dumb jerk!" There was also an entire back story we created of Jeffrey Buttle trying to fit in with the other athletes in Olympic Village and them tying him up and throwing him in the snow, where the next day he turned into a mogul and the women skiied over him, "Wheee! I'm a little mountain!" Long story short...Brannen and I both died laughing.
So, as was to be expected, Mens figure skating was a buggy ride hitting every yellow light in Yawn Town tonight...but fear not...because tomorrow begins a sport I forgot about entirely. Pairs Figure Skating's younger slutty stepsister - Ice Dancing!! Ice Dancing is like ballroom dancing, but on ice. I think there are no lifts like in pairs, just lots of fancy footwork, LOTS of make up and hair, and lots of ice drama. There is not as much at stake since it is so silly and no one really cares about it...it's like...if figure skating is Thursday Night Must See TV, then Ice Dancing is a daytime soap opera. The US girls always have beauty pageant hair that does not move. I love it.
Now, a dilhemma...I have a chance to take two free tickets to Swan Lake for next Tuesday. Here are the pros 1) Swan Lake is my favorite ballet 2) It's the all male Swan Lake so it's gonna be hot 3) I get to get dressed up. Here are the cons 1) next Tuesday is the womens short program. 2) I need to find a date for the ballet (and since it's the all male Swan Lake I'm thinking Gay Boyfriend date...but Brannen's busy) 3)getting all dressed up and going downtown is fun, but it's supposed to be cold and public trans and I don't have money to like, go out to dinner or anything. 4)I already have plans to go to Erik and Jacobs and eat a serious amount of chicken wings while watching figure skating, I wouldn't want to let them down. They don't know about the chicken wings yet...but doesn't that sound fun?
I guess there are more cons than pros. Well, I'm going to sleep on it.
Um, Snowboard Cross, a new sport, was on tonight. It looks fun! Of course my favorite part was when they all wiped out, but it still looked cool.
Women's Skelton was on tonight...it looks terrifying and awful. And, someone who is into skelton (Brig?) answer me this...I could have sworn they said a woman was skelton-ing who was two months pregnant....that can't be possible right? I made that up right?...Right?
That's it from Boystown Olymic Headquarters tonight. More tomorrow after the very dramatic ICE DANCING!!!! EEEEEEk!