Dirty Dancing: The Musical

You heard me.

Here's the backstory. Like most females my age, I love this movie more than anything else on earth. Not because it's such a high quality powerful film, but because it reminds me of...well, watching this movie.
It doesn't take me to the catskills in 1963, it takes me to Shorewood Wisconsin in 1987.
It doesn't make me nostalgic for learning how to dance in a cabin in the woods, it makes me nostalgic for 12 girls and a bowl of chips lined up in sleeping bags along the living room floor staring at the TV.
I don't get teary eyed during the instrumental version of "Time of My Life" because it reminds me of Baby's journey that fateful summer...I get teary eyed because it reminds me of being 7, or 10, or 15, or hell...even 21, and having nothing really real to worry about.

Also, Patrick Swayze is hot.

Also, it's a movie where the plain looking smart girl with a crooked nose and no rhythm is able to lose her V-Card to the Swayze...for a slumber party of bright eyed plain faced little girls in Wisconsin, that is cruel and magnificent prospect.

SO. That being said, I wasn't expecting this musical to be anything more than the pink sparkley nostalgic well danced girly girl fest that it was. Since I have the entire movie memorized, yes I do, I was able to go home and try to think of anything they might have left out. Not a word.

Literally.

That's...nice. But, I'm talking, EVERY transition, every LINE was in this thing. Of course the classics like "I carried a watermelon" and "You just keep putting your pickle on everybody's plate..." and "God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em" were there, as expected. And it was super fun to hear the house explode into cheers and applause after Johnny says the famous "Nobody Puts baby In A Corner". But...

Y'all. It was real real long.

It was so long.

There were so many extra scenes that were ridiculous. Well, first of all, the staging was atrocious. In order for Baby to walk from her cabin to Johnny's cabin the actress (a dead ringer for Jennifer Gray, Pre nose job. I mean, this girl literally said every single line with the exact same inflection as Gray in the movie. At one point I thought it was Gray...) anyway, the actress needed to walk up the stairs, down the stairs, over the bridge, around the set, backstage, down state street, up the aisle and back up the stairs. We were like "Understood! She's changing locations!" so, the transitions are endless. Often covered by unfunny bits starring a character who was played in the movie by the actor who played Newman on Seinfeld.

The movie took place in the sixties, and the idea of changing times, civil rights, old vs new etc was not lost. It was just...subtle. Not so in the musical. Eleanor Bernstein, writer of both movie and stage production decided to hammer home the issue by including an insufferable scene where Baby and comic relief sister Lisa (notoriously played in the movie by an actress who liked nothing like anyone in the Houseman family and is often referred to as "the drag queen sister") unroll a blanket by the big group bonfire and discuss how last years Cuban Missle Crisis affected them while everyone in the background quietly crooned "This land is your land". The scene ended with one of the few minorities in the play singing a solo version of "We shall Overcome". I say to you Ms. Bernstein, swing and a miss.

Baby's mother, Marge Houseman, had more to do in the musical setting than in the movie. In the movie she sort of wifely wanders around put-putting golf balls and helping Lisa look for her beige irridescent lipstick, then she steals the show at the end of the movie with lines like "Sit Down Jake." and "She Gets This From Me." Again, subtle and funny. We see that she's playing the part of the wifely mother but that she really wears the pants. In the musical, not so much. She actually comes across as a little bit of a hardass in the musical. Offering unasked for advice at every turn and constantly making a cross face at her husband...the audience literally gasped and then laughed at her line to Baby, "I was in love once too, but I didn't go around ruining people's lives." Damn. One person Mrs. Houseman has a strange connection with in the musical is Penny (the knocked up dance instructor who couldn't afford an abortion.) It was at first weird, and then a little insulting. Penny is aptly played by Britta Lazenga, formerly of the Joffrey. I remember she was a ballerina there when I worked at the Auditorium. She's an amazing dancer and a decent actress. In this scene we have Mrs. Houseman taking a private dance lesson from Penny (weirdly) and she says something about babies and how great it is the first time you hold your baby and then Penny has a breakdown and cries in her arms. Not ok.

Here's why. In the movie, Penny is worried about how to get the money for an abortion, and she is scared about having it, but we never see her questioning her decision. I mean, there is that scene in the kitchen where she's freaking out...but her face is so relieved when she gets the money that we understand she has no questions about this decision. Since abortion is illegal in the 60's she has to see a man with a folding table and knife. You know, much like girls will start doing if Sarah Palin gets into office, instead of being clean and safe and under the care of a doctor. A back alley abortion. It doesn't go well and Dr. Houseman fixes her. The end. I always thought it was a message about the importance of keeping abortions legal and have always been surprised that this movie wasn't criticised more by the pro-lifers. Maybe it was and I didn't realize it because I was seven.

However, maybe the reason it wasn't criticised is because it actually is anti-abortion? This new scene in the musical felt to me like it was doing what all musicals do...staying away from being too edgy or opinionated. Safe for everyone. I can't really pinpoint it, I just found that Bernsteins decision to make Penny regret her decision was sort of a slap in the face. And maybe she's just trying to show that Penny isn't cold, that she's emotional about it. Which I think would be accurate. But in this political climate and in this forum...it felt like a weak backslide to me.

There were so many times characters seemed to over explain themselves. Johnny Castle's line in the movie, "My dad says he has great news, I can join the union." "what union?" "housepainters local". His line in the musical..."My dad says he has great news, I can join the union." "what union?" "housepainters local...because I'm a house painter Baby. That's what I do when I'm not dancing in the summers...I paint houses." We understand that Baby is passionate about Human Rights, but her tear fest over explaining these rights to Johnny is embarassing "A CHEESE SANDWICH! THEY JUST WANTED A CHEESE SANDWICH!" And we wish they wouldn't have added the scene where Johnny saves Neal from being thrown in a pool. Especially since the actor playing Neal was so completely off base that we would have rather seen the character drown. Though preferably not in the same disastrous video-water-on-a-scrim where Johnny and Baby practice their lifts. (Again, audience in tears laughing.)

Moving on. Johnny Castle was a great dancer. He was also British and couldn't do an American accent to save his life. It was pretty rough. Especially since he was also real real pretty. You know what I mean though? Real real pretty. Like...gay. He didn't have that sexy macho thing that the Swayzster had. His was more of a "don't spill anything on my favorite Abercrombie jeans" vibe.

So, as a die hard fan who has seen this movie at least 80 times and could recite the entire thing for you forwards and backwards and has a deep place in her heart for every single character I say to you about this show that the dancing is incredible, the songs are fun, the acting is decent with the exception of Johnny Castle, or, as Daren kept referring to him accidentally Johnny Hardcastle", the set was fun but strange...although i think it was more that it was strangely used, and the directing was sort of terrible. There were a lot of fun moments, a lot of funny moments (intentional and un) and all the classic moments plus some. I just could have done without the plus some. To sum it up, I sent Kristen and Brigitte text messages at intermission that read, "This is the most fantastic and amazing pile of crap I have ever seen!" Although...I did dance a little in my seat at the end.

And...I'm totally going again.