Cat Butt

I'm not a cat lady, but I do love Lucy a lot. I've had her since I was a sophomore in college and she's been with me through so much. She was born under the bed of a fellow Webster alum whose cat Natasha had run off and gotten knocked up. There were five cats in that litter and Lucy was the only girl and the runt. My former roomate Claire has Lucy's brother Miles. 

She's super funny and sweet and squeeky and fat and snuggly. She flirts with every guy I ever bring into my house, straight or gay, and she is stil my favorite thing in the world even when she pukes in my shoe.

That being said, lately she's been a little...cranky. She often gets up in my face and does her mean meow or she intentionally dumps her food and water. I thought she was just being a bitch until the other day I saw her scoot across the floor on her butt and then I knew that maybe it was time to go to the vet. 

So I made an appointment and then went out and got her an "I Love Obama" collar. 

Let it be known that at Christmas time I put up a fake tree and decorated The Birdhouse (that's what I've started calling my apartment) all Christmassy and had a stocking and presents for Lucy. Not only did she hate the Christmas decor and snarl at it, but she also flat out refused her gifts. She turned her nose up at them and is often seen sleeping soundly right NEXT to the cat bed I bought her. So, obviously, I assumed my faux pas is that Lucy is Jewish and doesn't celebrate Christmas...but I know now that I was wrong. Lucy isn't Jewish, she's just a big snob. Because when I brought home the Obama collar which was from a super cute little pet boutique that Kristen and I went to for Wrigley-Dog's birthday, Lucy was all over it like white on McCain. I'm talking, she wouldn't let me take it off. She licked it. She is a total demo-cat. I thought maybe she was so excited because she is a democat and loves her some Rocky Bams, but then I pulled out the little food placemat I bought and she immediately curled up on it and went to sleep. Brat. It's a food mat...she's never once slept on her Petco bed. Whatever. 

For our trip to the vet I also bought Lucy a carrying case. She's never had one, usually I just carry her in my loving arms while she screams in my face so I figured it was time. I was going to buy her a big blue one that cost forty thousand dollars because there was nothing smaller. But then I found a carrier that, in retrospect was in the ferret aisle, that was a lot smaller and a lot cheaper. Score! I also bought her some new food because usually I buy Iams but Latrice said you have to look at the nutrition info and not buy things that say "Chicken By Products". I asked Latrice what that meant and she just looked at me and said, "beaks and toes, man...beaks and toes." So that is why now we have a new brand of cat food in our house. 

Saturday morning at 8am I put Lucy's collar on which she was delighted about and then I shoved her into the ferret carrier which she was NOT delighted about. Her crazy loud cat noises probably woke up everyone in the building...I kind of wanted to set her down in front of the 90's singalong chick's apartment door and yell "Sing along to this, bitch!" but I rose above that. We got in the cab and off we went to the vet. The cab driver didn't love the cat noise and cranked up the NPR...I tipped him well though. 

We went to Higgins Animal Clinic and I have to say, this place is pretty great. Daren recommended it and I was very impressed. As soon as we walked in everyone introduced themselves and seemed delighted to see my shaking shedding screaming kitty. We didn't wait long and then we went back into an examination room. My vet was named Brooke so that was a plus. 

"Her temperature is fine" good. 

"Her heart rate is good" hooray.

"Her lymphnodes and lymphatic system seem to be in great condition" so what? lymphatic systems are overrated. 

"Her teeth are ok, this one tooth though might need to be extracted...it's $696.00" not gonna happen

"Her fur looks good" pretty!

"Oh...oh dear..."

Never a good sign. Especially when your vet is staring straight down into your cats behind. I'm going to skip a lot of the details here and just give you a few words...Anal Glands, Swollen, Drained.

Shiver shiver. 

So I agreed to it and they had to take her out of the room because they warned, "You really don't want to see this." I will tell you that when you are sitting in an examination room three doors down and you hear your kitty let out the most unimaginable and horrific animal noise you've ever heard, half of you wants to cry and the other half wants to shrink under the table in embarrassment. Poor thing. They brought her back and her eyes looked like they'd seen things I will never know. The technician gently put her into her ferret cage and the vet told me that even though the procedure had been...totally abnormal (I'll spare you) Lucy was fine and shouldn't need to have it done again. Thank God. 

At one point the vet referred to Lucy as a senior citizen which I thought was super funny. I've just gotten used to her being a senior, I don't know if I'm ready for her to be a citizen. Although I've always liked the idea of her participating in public affairs and taking the CTA to get to important business meetings. 

I thought that she would get glassy eyed and sad and never come out of the closet where she went to process her day after we got home. But once I moved the ferret cage out of sight she was back to her old self. And I mean...her OLD self...like five years ago. No more cranky, no more mean meows...she even played with her George Bush doll throwing it in the air and attacking it as it landed. (Lucy is very political). She ate her usual twenty pounds of food and snuggled and even chirped at the birds. (The real ones outside the window, not the many fake ones inside my house.)

Basically, my poor kitty had been constipated for about four years. Whoa.

Here is a link to Lucy's posting on the Higgins website. I like how all the animals are so cuddly and adorable and then my little angel ends up looking like the anti-christ, but she was really nervous. If I were photographed shortly after having been laid out on a metal table with a...well, let's just say I wouldn't look great either. I just noticed that there is a butterscotch colored kitten on the site named Monkey which was totally going to be my next pet. Someone is my pet soul-mate out there. Anyway, here she is, they spelled her name wrong but Lucy said that was no big deal.

http://www.higginsanimalclinic.com/site/epage/6638_332.htm

So that was our day at the vet. Again, can't say enough about this place, clean and bright and cheerful with pictures of the patients all around. I sneezed about 930482 times in a row, but that's my own damn fault. 

Oh, and the vet said that with the exception of one other vet...everyone at the clinic LOVED her collar. So that is also a plus.