Bitchin' 'Bout My Cankles

What a week.

I’m in the throes of “lymphedema therapy” this week. There are so many better things I’d rather be in the throes of, but alas. LT involves waking up at the crack of dawn every other day and taking a train to Evanston Hospital before work. Then I am stripped, measured, and marked up with a blue marker. After that I am reminded never to shave with a razor, sit in a hot tub, or walk barefoot. I am then reprimanded for my obvious razor shaving and shoeless walking (the hot tub leaves no evidence). Then I am bandaged up from toe to knee with five large ace bandages and sent hobbling on my merry way. I take the purple to the red and despite every attempt not to…arrive to work late. Monday and Tuesday the AC at work was broken and I was sent home early so as not to melt completely. Tuesday morning I wasn’t allowed to remove the bandages at all (other days I must wear them 23 out of 24 hours…though it’s becoming more like 21 out of 24) so I did a contortionist act to take a shower, it was kind of impressive actually. Wednesday I wrapped the bandages too tight and left a couple welts on my legs. The arches of my feet and my ankles kill right now.

I sent my friend a text demanding ice cream and he said no (he was at work, but still). My girlfriends are getting all dolled up on Saturday and I have to wear dumb fat pants and enormo sneakers. And this is only the first of three weeks of this!! Then I’m back into stockings which this time I will actually wear so I never have to go through this again, and at night for the rest of my life I will have to wear something called “The Boot.” (DAS BOOT!!!) My new friend Kyle is coming over to watch Dirty Dancing with me tonight though, that always cheers me up. And he said he’s bringing a present, and we all know how I feel about presents (I love them desperately.) And Kristen has been nice when I unwrap at her place for a few minutes and make her say how beautiful my funky ass taped up welted feet look. Everyone take a good look at your ankles and appreciate them. Some of us are not as glamorous as you with your “ankle bones” and your “unswollen toes”. I’m thinking about having a flip flop funeral soon since they are totally verboten and they are also my favorite thing in the world. Shoes that both flip AND flop? Nothing is better.

Anyway, thanks for letting me be a whiny baby. And thanks for being my friends, even when the day comes where we are all out and you have to walk 15 feet in front of me, that crazy screaming smoking woman in THE BOOT dragging limply behind you saying, “WAIT UP JERKWADS…goddamnnogoodboot”. Oh I know, things could be WAY worse. But still can you just feel sorry for me for two seconds? Pleeeease?...hello? Anyone…?