The Exorcist

I didn't really do anything summery this summer, or anything very fally this fall. This winter I'm sure the most wintery I will get will be wearing gloves. So I decided on the fly today, that though its a couple days belated...I needed to do something Halloweenie. I immediately messaged Erik at work..."Wanna watch a scary movie tonight?" "With YOU?" "Yeah, wanna watch The Exorcist? I've never seen it." "Yes."

Here is why I picked this movie...everyone says that it is the all time scariest movie in the entire world ever and that they still get chills when they think about it, I was up for the challenge. Specifically because I've seen bits and pieces of it in montages and things and I never got that scared...I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. Also, scary movies from the 70s are awesome because the pants and telephones are both so large.

Let's walk through the experience. Erik put in the movie and I suddenly got that "no going back now" feeling you get on a roller coaster. So I moved my plate of tacos closer to Erik (that's not a metaphor, we really had tacos for dinner) and snuggled up. Then I watched a man dig and take some pills in Iraq for the first hour of the movie. What's the deal with that anyway? Nothing scary happens in that part except for a lot of closeups of the old Padre looking at artifacts with a lot of worry and dread. At the end of this sequence I looked at Erik doubtfully. "I forgot that even though it's scary a lot of parts are boring." Ok, I'll stick with it.

Erik and I got a blanket and snuggled up close on the couch. We have two couches so you can tell when we are watching something scary at our house because instead of two stretched out people you see one huddled mass taking up one side of one couch. The movie moved from Iraq to Washington DC...much like life...and suddenly I was in 70's heaven. The Pants! The Hair! The Sparkling silver dress thats worn to the most hilarious party ever. I forgot I was watching a scary movie for a while. In order to demonstrate what I assumed were the natural "before" images of poor soon to be posessed Reagan, Linda Blair was given lots of lines like "Horses are beautiful arn't they Mother?" which made me smile with snark filled glee.

"I'm going to get some more Squirt" Erik said and suddenly left the nest of safety we had created on the sofa. "Wait...no" It was that point in the movie where you knew the set up was over and the scary was going to set in. Again like the roller coaster, the long climb to the top of the hill was coming to an end...and I knew we were about to get moving fast. (Comparing anything to a roller coaster is so easy and lame...Ill never do it again, promise) Anyway, Erik lied because people always lie during scary movies but somehow his logic worked on me..."It's daytime...nothing happens in scary movies during daytime."

As he walked into the kitchen some priest looked in horror at a statue in the church that was suddenly full of bloody horns and shrieky music blasted forth. "ASSHOLE!" I yelled. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that."

Linda Blair did NOT like visiting the doctor which was mostly just funny until some freaky face appeared and I do NOT like freaky faces to appear in movies. I suddenly realized that this movie would be hilarious and terrifying all at once. Good job The Exorcist.

We thoroughly enjoyed the scenes with the doctor explaining the diagnoses to Linda Blair's mother while chain smoking but not as much as all the chain smoking priests. Best line of the movie, "Father, I dont know what to do...I need your help. Do you have a cigarette?"

So lets see. The bed shook which was kind of funny...Erik reminded me that this was not funny when you watched the movie as a kid...but fortunately I didn't...so it was funny.

Faces appeared more which I hated. An old lady creepily walked out of the subway which I really hated. There was an all womens psych ward at one point which I loved because it was a lot of actresses playing "crazy" which is always funny. Linda Blair turned into dead grandma at one point which I hated. Linda Blair turned her head around all the way which I thought was kind of funny but I've seen that image a million times so I was expecting it. Oh! Linda Blair comes crawling down the stairs like some drunk Cirque Du Soleil bitch with blood dripping out of her upside down mouth. That part was pretty damn scary because it was fast and all the lights were on. Dark and slow is so obvious. Which was the other thing we laughed about. They never turned lights on in this house which was conveniently located in a giant cloud of fog. Sucks to have a possessed kid AND live in the creepiest house in town...what are the odds?

I would have liked to have seen Linda Blair unshackled a few more times...I thought for sure there would be a scene in the oft set up creepy attic or creepy basement but besides her jaunt down the stairs Linda seemed happy to stay in bed. Lazy Devil.

We loved that there were three "servants" in the house. A butler, nanny and maid and that none of them quit. Are you kidding? If the little girl I'm taking care of suddenly starts raping herself with a crucifix while spewing blood and obscenities...I'm getting a reference and putting in my two weeks notice. At the end the mother packs her bags to move and says to the nanny "Are you sure you won't come with us?" the nanny politely shakes her head no. Erik and I had a field day with that. "Um, no...I do better with babies and toddlers as oppossed to CHILDREN SWALLOWED BY HELL." or "Sorry, I'm pretty tied to this location...but she's a real sweet kid!"

Projectile vomitting could be scary (?) except the green sliminess of it made me laugh. Everytime she did it I wanted to sing "Something strange! In the neighborhood! Who you gonna call?" or I wanted her to look slyly at the priest and say "Uh oh! You can't do that on television! You've been slimed!" It will be hard to eat Split Pea Soup for a while...but there's not much love lost in that situation is there?

This is not to say the movie was not scary because I was definetely huddled up in fear throughout the entire thing and I definetely said to Erik more than once "I HATE her!" I'm just saying that it's probably one of those things that was scarier at the time. Her cat-scan was pretty scary...and medical equipment from the 70's in general seemed pretty horrific....and that one part where it was really quiet and then the damn telephone rang made me jump about a mile in the air. I'm just saying...I'm a complete wuss and I did pretty well. Maybe it's because living in the city in 2006 I'm more used to young children screaming obsenities and releasing bodily fluids all over the place. Who knows?

I know Erik got annoyed but I couldnt help making myself laugh during this part...

"The Power of Christ compels you!"
"What?"
"The Power of Christ compels you!"
"Sorry, I missed that, one more time?"
"The Power of Christ compels you!"
"Yeah, sorry still not getting it...The power of what does what now?"

This brings my Scary movie watching while in this house" total up to 2.5. The Exorcist, Saw and part of Donnie Darko...which I know isnt technically a scary movie but that damn bunny forced me to demand the movie return to the shelf.

Top Ten Life Lessons I learned from The Exorcist:

1. If there is a party going on downstairs and you can't get to sleep...pee on it.
2. You could never be so desperate that the only job available to you is scrubbing up all the various discharge from your employers over dramatic daughter.
3. If you ever become trapped within your own body...write "Help Me" on your stomach...but remember to do the letters in reverse.
4. Telling your mother to "Lick her c*nting daughter bitch!" makes for an awkward car ride home.
5. Don't play with Ouija boards that don't belong to you...that you found IN THE CLOSET...IN THE CREEPY BASEMENT...especially when someone named "Captain Howdy" starts responding. ("Captain Howdy" reminded me a little of "Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo"...what is he the Captain of I wonder?)
6. If you for any reason go back in time...don't get sick or go nuts. Hospitals and psych wards have clearly made some positive advancements in the last thirty years.
7. After giving up your faith and wanting out of the priesthood...not a great time to be performing exorcisms.
8. She ain't really strapped to that bed.
9. The power of Christ compels you.
10. If the bed's a rockin...don't come a knockin.

Goodnight!