GUEST BLOG: Cathy Goes to the Creation Museum

Everyone, I've been very busy lately. So I've asked my great friend Cathy from college to be a guest blogger here at FKBT. Cathy has been making me laugh for over nine years. She is the originator of the dialect "Pirish" which I know you all love. I love Cathy in a totally not pretend way, she is awesome. And when I found out that she had orchestrated a road trip to the Creation Museum, I knew that you would love her too. Even though she wrote a version of this for her own blog, I had to have one of my own. Readers, I have to get back to work now, but I give you..."Cathy's Trip to The Creation Museum" by Cathy at http://kammecat.blogspot.com/ Disclaimer: All opinions are solely those of Cathy. I take no responsibility for those of you offended by the photos of dinosaurs reading books. Oh God, I had a guy come down pretty hard on me for not like Wasabi Peas, I can't wait to see what happens after this...

This is guest blog reporter Cathy, here to describe my recent trip to the Creation Museum. Normally I'm not the sort of person who mocks another religion, but these people are pretty much batshit crazy. Be honest, you're mocking them too, or else you wouldn't be reading this blog so eagerly. So, you know, don't judge me for judging others.

Because I live nearby, I've known about the Creation Museum for some time. My friend Nate even built and painted some of the sets and backdrops. But I wasn't really motivated to go until I saw an episode of "I Have A Gazillion Children and More Fall Out Every Day" where the Duggars visit and are told that dinosaurs were originally vegetarians. OF COURSE THEY WERE! I had to see more.
When our group of five (me, Beth, Craig, Dave, and Amel) arrived on this particular Sunday (the Lord's Day), I was incredibly nervous. I had heard that "Creation Security" would kick you out if you made fun of anything, but I had also heard there was a mural of Jesus riding a dinosaur, and the need to see it overrode my fear. As we bought our tickets I had to keep reminding myself not to say "Oh my God!" or "Holy shit!" They took our picture and told us to look up to the right and look terrified. They didn't tell us about the sneak attack dinosaur behind us!
(When we picked up our photo at the end of our trip the lady told me ours was so awesome that they might use it as the example photo. Keep your fingers crossed!)

There's a Creation Planetarium there but you have to pay extra, so we passed on that and went straight for the main attraction, which was an animatronic trip through the Bible. Outside the attraction are a bunch of cave-children playing with small and friendly dinosaurs. Because it is clearly stated in the Bible that early humans and early dinos were BFFs, having slumber parties and flossing each others gigantic pointy teeth and putting the bra of the first person to fall asleep in the freezer. The first ominous sign for me was this:
Yes, the most brilliant minds throughout history are all morons compared to a book in which fathers have to sleep with their daughters to repopulate the world and where rubbing bird doo in your eyes cures blindness. That's right, Creation people with your bonnets and disapproving looks! I have read the Bible too! But enough of my sarcasm, let's get into the show.
There are placards all over the museum which state absurdities as fact, usually with intros like "It is widely believed" or "Some research has proven..." My particular favorite was in response to the question of the existence of dragons (I think the real question is the existence of unicorns, but I digress):
So, duh, it's on the flag of Wales! Riddle solved! We also learned that dinosaurs were originally much smaller and therefore could fit onto the Ark. I'm not making this up. Another phrase we saw a lot was AFTER THE FALL. AFTER THE FALL dinosaurs became enormous. AFTER THE FALL they started eating meat. AFTER THE FALL there were no more bras in freezers. AFTER THE FALL there was pain and wolves and heroin addiction and tornadoes.
Just so you remember what it was like BEFORE THE FALL, here is Dave sharing a pineapple with a dinosaur as it would have been when we were all vegetarians.
They spend a lot of time on Adam and Eve before they messed everything up. Here are happier times with us and the crazy newlyweds.
Then they get into Noah and the building of his ark, but they sort of skim over the alcoholism. There was an amusing depiction of two women basket-weaving which was only amusing because one had the face of Natalie Portman and the other was Angelina Jolie.
Natalie's on the left, Angelina's on the right.

At that point we had to book it to make a lecture by some doctor about Darwin and how he was wrong. I was bored and mad because although we were in the special effects theater where things are supposed to spray you in the face and make your chair vibrate, nothing was happening except some boring speech and so honestly, I didn't really listen, but I'm sure it was dumb. After that we went to the gift shop (!) where a giant dinosaur looms over everybody, reading a book.
They have all the science experiment kits in the gift shop that you always wanted when you were little but weren't allowed to have, like the crystals kit and the astronaut food and the butterfly catcher. The last stop was the Noah's Ark petting zoo, but it was really cold and the only animals we really saw were donkeys and camels. Plus petting zoos just make me incredibly sad, with their food pellets and children who try to feed the goats trash.
Thus ended our enlightening trip. Mayhap we can organize another trip for all of the Brooke blog readers, but you'd have to prepare. Practice refraining from rolling your eyes or snorting, and then get back to me.