Wasabi Peas

For the love of God, don't eat these. I bought these the other day, a different brand but same idea and I thought, "I like peas, I like wasabi...let's rock this boat!" And then I sort of forgot about them. Last night, while watching a documentary I thought, "Boy oh boy, I sure would like something spicy instead of all this vanilla yogurt." So I went into my freshly stocked kitchen and looked around, there they were, glowing in the dark, just waiting for me.

I took them to the couch and resumed watching my movie. I opened them. I smelled them, smelled like wasabi, nothing weird. I popped one in my mouth, rolled it around on my tongue, bit into it...and tasted the white hot tongue of the devil.

Wasabi peas taste like death. Like an actual traumatic death has been captured in each pea and is released upon impact with your teeth. Wasabi peas are like french kissing the guards of hell. Wasabi peas are filled with hate. They are like little Pandora's boxes, Pandora's Peas, and when you bite into them they release all the worst parts of the world...into your mouth. Wasabi peas are like dipping a match in sulpher, lighting it, and eating it. Wasabi peas are like little gangs that perform violent drive by shootings on your tongue. Wasabi peas don't just hurt your mouth, they hurt your feelings. Eating wasabi peas is like winning Prom Queen and then having a bucket of pig blood dumped on your head so you have to use your telekenesis to murder all the jerks who did this to you. Eating wasabi peas is like watching "The Lake House" three times in a row. Eating wasabi peas is like getting your eye pierced. Wasabi peas are...bad.

I screamed, then spat the pea across the room. I stared at it for a minute incredulously. "What the hell was THAT!?" I actually yelled. It was like seeing a ghost. I crept over to the pea, Lucy crept behind me. My eyes were watering and I was making The Sour Face. We stared at the most offensive pea for a moment before I threw it in the trash. Jerk.

Unless you would like to feel the cold hand of death running through your body, stay away from these peas, man.