Women's Workout World

I joined a gym. It hurts. It hurts real real bad.

<------- (Me, two to three more months)

I joined Women's Workout World. Because I'm a woman, and I want to workout...and I live in the world (mostly). It is great and amazing and hilarious all at once. I love that there are only women there so I don't have to feel intimidated or self conscious. I used to belong to X-Sport a few years ago which was pretty hardcore. The women were sticks and the men were beef cakes and everyone moved really really fast. I had a trainer who wanted me to become a body builder I think and pushed me maybe a little too hard. I know that sounds like I'm just being weak...but I fainted on the stair master. Some of you might remember that story from the time I called you crying and sobbed, "I FAINTED ON THE STAIR MASTER! OH MY GOD! I CAN NEVER SHOW MY FACE THERE AGAIN." And indeed I didn't.

I steer clear of the stair master at Women's Workout World as well. That evil bitch, I know it's just waiting to take me down again. There is a place evil people go when they die and they have to climb a stair master for all of eternity.

At Women's Workout World you walk in the door and are immediately confronted with pink, purple and turquoise shapes on the wall. In the 80's this used to be a big aerobics studio. I do sort of feel whipped back in time but as an adult. I imagine taking off my shoulder-pad filled jacket to reveal a magenta-lame leotard and leg warmers. You then swipe your card and an electronic man voice says "Have a GREAT workout!" I always imagine him sort of winking or shooting finger guns at me when he says it. I also like the Max Hedron effect when a whole group of women swipe in back to back. "Have a great, have a great, great, great, work, work workout."

Then you follow the tile path to the locker room. NO STREET SHOES ALLOWED OFF THE TILE PATH! In the changing room you get a locker and change into your fabulous new workout clothes from Target, including your super bright white new gym shoes that you are ONLY going to wear at the gym and never outside. You can dress cute, but since it's all women you can also dress like a total dog if you want to. Because of the precarious length of my hair right now and it's relation to ponytails, I will be sporting some super cool fabric headbands at the gym this week. Awesome.

When you come back out onto the gym floor you can look at the wall of fame if you like, this is where former fatties are vindicated with stickers and "Congrats" signs and we see photos of them before and after. There is also a scale on this wall where you can weigh yourself, in front of everyone, and the weight glows brightly for all to see. Anyone who may have missed it might be able to make it out in the reflection of one of the many mirrors surrounding the scale.

Time to workout. I do 20 minutes of cardio on the elipitical. I hate it a lot but I made a pretty good "Cardio Mix" on my ipod so that helps. I watch the timer like a hawk and am continually screaming in pain in my head, "10 MORE MINUTES! THAT'S INSANE! I'LL NEVER FINISH!"

Then I either do arms or legs, I alternate days. On arm days I'm happy and challenge myself. I feel my chest open up and my back straighten and it all feels very good. On leg days, I want to shoot myself in the face. I have a bad knee, a circulatory condition and zero leg strength. Not fun. There is this one machine where you have to lift weight while going up and down on your tippy toes and I think it's trying to kill me. I am not kidding, I nearly cried on it. When I got off I looked at it appalled as though it had just groped me inappropriately. I hate that machine with every fiber of my being.

Then I do abs and back.

Then I do some more cardio, usually on the bike with the screen where you race another bike. It's so fun, I love it. All machines should have a game or a race built in. FYI, I kicked the other bikers ass and was ahead by 1:37.

Then I stretch and cool down with a little walk on the treadmill.

They also have free classes which is cool, I haven't been brave enough to step into one, although tonight it's going to happen with Zumba which is apparently Latin American dance and Belly Dancing combined. Holy shit I'm going to suck at that. Some of you have seen me dance, it's really more..."interpretive movement"...but I will try. I was told it's really popular and that the women from W3 (as we insiders call it) have even gone out and bought belly dancing scarves to wear during the class. Yes!

I like the gym. It needs a paint job, but otherwise it's not too big, not too small. There are plenty of machines, it's never too crowded. The people who run it are nice, it seems supportive and friendly and not everyone is stick skinny. Oh, except those bitches from the Pilates class. I'm on the treadmill the other day debating if I should maybe try an incline when all of a sudden an army of tall blonde ballerina girls in tight matching work out clothes come in and start unrolling little foam mats all over the floor. I almost reported them to the Manager. I looked around at the rest of the women on the treadmills and we all had the same concern, "We've been infiltrated." Pilates started and the ballerinas did a lot of breathing and standing and laying down. I could totally handle that class, well...my body could handle it, my ego could not. Maybe that's the type of exercising you get to do once you've reached "skinny". "Now ladies, breathe in...and out. And let's cool down from that. Now touch your toes and now stand on one leg...don't exhaust yourself...let's cool down."

I do wish there was a spinning class, I've always wanted to try it. I like that sort of adrenaline rush loud music workout. I want to get started with free weights pretty soon.

Women's Workout World. It's good. It's pink and turquoise, but it's good.