Scary Bus Love

I almost slept through Halloween. There was a time when I used to be able to party all night long and still function the next day, those days are decidedly over. I was exhausted all day yesterday so at 4:30 I went down for a fifteen minute nap and woke up at 8:30. Oops. 

Not wanting the entire holiday to go to waste, I got myself together to go to my friend Tom's party. Since I was costume-less I stood in my closet for a few minutes waiting for something to come to me. Then I remembered I still have my floor warden outfit from my last job. So I put that on. Then I realized that the only thing better than a floor warden is a sexy floor warden. So, I was a sexy floor warden for halloween. Not nearly as good as the year I went as sexy elephant, but still pretty good. 

I got to the party around 10:30 and hung out with Kris who was wearing an awesome Clark Kent costume. He is so feared and revered and popular that he had to head out to another eight parties so then I mostly hung out with Kelly and Jeremy (husband, not Owens) who pretty much cracked me up for two hours straight. Kelly was dressed as Mario Batali...from a cooking show. She looked kinda gross in a funny way and Jeremy was dressed as Paula Deen. The drunker Jeremy got the more he just sat rubbing his sock tits and saying, "Y'all...hi y'all." It was kind of amazing. 

The majority of the night, however, was spent wading through the sea of Clark Street whores trying to find a cab. My favorite was about-to-puke sexy kitten crouched on the curb slurring "I'm so sorry I'm ruining your night" to her friend not-as-wasted-sexy-referee who said, "Oh my god, it's fine" but was clearly about to put that bitch to bed and get back out on the town. Eventually the Lor-i decided to take the red line and I waited for the Clark bus...my second home. 

Here is the thing. When you wait for the Clark bus a long time, and it's halloween which is so crazy busy, it's a little surprising to have a completely empty bus pull up to the stop. But, because "good judgement" has never been one of my strong suits, I hopped on. What follows is verbatim. 

BUS DRIVER: How are you doing tonight miss?

ME: Pretty good, thanks. 

BD: Did you go to a nice party?

ME: Yup.

BD: Did you have fun?

ME: Sure. 

BD: Did you drink a lot? You look pretty tired. 

ME: Nope, I don't drink. 

BD: Oh, that's good! You are a good girl. 

Let's pause here. First let's talk about how annoying it is when people say "You look tired." Particularly when you aren't that tired. Because then you always have to say, "I am." You can't say, "No actually, I'm full of energy, I just look like shit." Why do people say that? Of course I say it too...but usually only when people are passing out.

Also, I don't like it when people put me in a position where alarms and sirens go off in my head. I never like flirting/sex to be mixed up with baby talk like "you are a good girl". At least he didn't start asking "Who's your daddy?" I just think it's weird and it always makes me a little nervous about the person I'm dealing with. Anyway, it gets better...

ME: Oh. 

BD: You don't need to drink and go to crazy parties. You are such a good girl. 

ME (in my head) oh god oh god oh god, I'm going to die on this bus. 

BD: What stop are you getting off on?

ME: Um, (STOP NAME)

BD: Well then, I'm going to go express all the way there. 

You guys, then he did. He passed all kinds of halloween party goers at bus stops all the way from Roscoe to my stop. I became increasingly nervous. 

ME: Wow, thanks. 

BD: I'm going to tell you something but don't get mad ok?

ME: (in my head) Dear God, thank you for the life you gave me, please let this be quick and painless.

BD: I think you are very pretty.

Remember everyone, Sexy FLOOR WARDEN. Maybe it was the whistle. Actually, I had the B-Lo wig with me, but I wasn't wearing it. B-Lo is such a minx, she gets all the mens. 

ME: Oh, thanks. 

BD: Yeah, you look real nice. 

ME: Ok. Thanks. 

BD: Are you a doctor?

ME: Like, for real or for halloween?

BD: For real, there are a lot of doctors who live off (MY BUS STOP). 

(For the record, I don't know what the F he's talking about. Unless if by "doctor" he meant poor twenty somethings who work in non-profits and homeless people screaming "Fucker Prick Asshole!" at the trash cans all night. An easy mistake to make.)

ME: No, I'm not a doctor.

BD: Hm. Well, you look real good. 

I like the association people have that anyone who is a doctor is automatically hot. Thanks Grey's Anatomy. 

Ready for it? Here we go...

BD: You want to come out with me instead?

ME: What?!

BD: You want to come out and drink some tequila with me?

ME: I don't drink. 

BD: Oh right, but not even tequila?

Just savor that for a minute. I think it would be hilarious if I didn't drink except for tequila. That's like being a vegetarian except for big juicy steaks. 

ME: No, not even tequila. Here's my stop. 

BD: Oh, too bad. Have a good night. 

ME: You too. 

Then the doors opened and I was able to escape. I did hear the grunty "Mmm" directed at my ass as I excited, otherwise I came through unscathed. Although I'm pretty sure there was a version of me in his head wearing a nurse outfit and doing all sorts of scandalous things on that bus for the rest of the night. Eww. 

I'm so glad I wasn't held captive and maimed on Halloween, that would have been so cliche.