Here's the thing about bacon, it makes your house reek all day. I taught myself how to make bacon today (it's easy!) but I don't think I'll ever make it again because seriously, the house reeks. I'm having trouble falling asleep because there is so much bacon smell that every time I close my eyes I have images of ghost pigs seeking revenge.
One of my new years resolutions was to learn how to cook simple things. Bacon was first on the list since I had some in the fridge. I guess it went well, the bacon tasted fine, but I like my bacon sort of burnt anyway I guess.
For lunch today I had bacon, spiderman-macaroni and cheese with bbq sauce and a Squirt. No, I really did. No, seriously you guys, that was my lunch. My brother, the chef, would have been really proud. If the definition of proud was puking.
The thing I get most excited about when I think of one day having my own children is stealing their Halloween candy while they are sleeping. The thing I get least excited about when I think of having my own children is the idea that you have to "feed" them. And so, I have taken this opportunity to write them a little precautionary letter.
Dear Unborn Children,
I know about the expression "Just like Mama used to make" and I understand that each person in this world has that one food that no one makes as wonderfully as their mother. For me it was Mom's meatloaf. Nothing was better. I wanted to take this opportunity to go ahead and apologize to you that you won't have something like that in your life. I'm sorry that when you ask permission to play at your friends houses I will say "As long as you're home after dinner" instead of "by dinner". I'm sorry that you will be obese and have heart attacks by the time you're 30 because your mother fed you bacon and marshmallows for dinner every night. I'm sorry that when you visit your Uncle Chef you won't want to go home because you were able to eat hot food instead of crackers and gummi worms. I'm sorry that there won't be enough money to send you to college since I spent it all on take out and delivery during your ravenous teen years. I'm not sorry that I will make you eat carrot sticks in spaghetti sauce like I did when I was a little kid cause that is goood!
Fondly,
Mommy Dearest
Then I decided that if Tate and Tracy go on a romantic getaway someday and I'm in charge of taking care of the twins that I have hexed Tracy with (since I really want twins in my family...but I don't want to have them myself) I should write them a letter too...
Dear Nieces Named Brooke and Brookelina,
Look girls, I know your dad is a chef and your mom makes awesome peanut butter cookies. But toast is a totally reasonable dinner as well so get over it. If you don't tell your parents about the pita-pockets stuffed with bananas that we had for lunch I'll give you your first cigarettes when you become teenagers. And sorry that I always make you dress alike. And I forgive you for standing at the end of my hallway chanting "Come Play With Us, Come Play With Us".
Fondly,
Aunt Bea
PS - I am also sorry that I ate all of your Halloween candy.
There, that should do. I won't bother apologizing in advance to future grandchildren because I think we all know how that'll go (see above, obesity, heart attacks etc.)
Oh well, I still have time. Next up, creme brulee and a skirt steak with a wine reduction. Er, I mean...eggs.
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5 comments:
Bacon in the microwave is not nearly as potent as bacon in a skillet. They even make little microwave bacon trays.
Now, I think you should come over and we'll start with the basics.
And don't knock the store bought stuff. My favorite dish my mom used to make turned out to be Rice a Roni and a rotisserie chicken.
I have to say that if a house smells like bacon, we Southerners wouldn't say "it reeks" - - we would say, "Bring me some of that bacon with a Moon Pie and a dope."
(FYI - "Dope" is what old Southerns called soda pop. Seriously. My grandmother would say to me, "Go in there and get you a dope" every time I saw her!)
And as for your children, they can always use the expression that I do about my father's cooking during those years I lived with him...
"This is just like Daddy used to buy."
You have no idea how easy creme brulee and skirt steak with wine reduction is. Good choice for your first meal. I thought you would have gone for real mac and cheese. EASY! PS my boss is british and they fry their breakfast eggs in the bacon fat and then cook the toast in the bacon fat. Then the sausage in the bacon fat. How are the British not all dead.
Just marry a guy who cooks. Our parents are great cooks but i grew up with my gramma who made prepared meals every night. mac and cheese, ricaroni, kraft spaggetti, taco flavor packs for meat.
Start with that stuff. things you jsut add butter and milk to and heat. get a job in a restuarant, i learned a ton doing that. think of a recipe as charactors in a play. get to know your ingredients and sooner or later you learn how they act together.
Can you learn tater tots next instead, Aunt Bea? I want the twins to have many tater tots.
Marshmallows and bacon can wait for dessert.
(Carrot sticks in spaghetti sauce??)
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