Sexy Cat

When I think about Halloween, certain images come to mind. Carved pumpkins, ghosts, candy, witches, and yes...black cats. However, I own a black cat and I will tell you right now that at no time have I ever looked her up and down and thought, "Damn....she is SEXY."

Maybe this is because she is a female and so am I, or maybe it's because she's like family. But she has pranced around in front of guys before, mewing and licking herself and never once has anyone uttered the word "sexy" when referring to her (although no one has ever uttered those words about me when I walk around meowing and licking myself either, so maybe I shouldn't take dating tips from someone who shits in a box.) That's why I'm so confused by all the sexy black cat costumes I see each and every Halloween.

Here is my Halloween plea to the women of the world. Funny always trumps sexy on Halloween. You will never win a costume contest wearing a neglige and cat ears. The weekend of Halloween I always play "Count the sexies" where I watch all of the hyper-uncreative ladies of the city strutting around as sexy cat, sexy nurse, sexy police woman, sexy secretary...once I even saw sexy cat IN THE HAT. That one made me shiver. One year to mock them I decided to go as sexy elephant. Next year I think I'm going to go as a cat. Not a sexy cat...just like, a big huge furry fat cat.

Ladies, let's just try to remember that the day is called "Halloween" not "Whoreoween" shall we?

I still live in this fantasy world where I think a man would be more impressed by a woman who had put thought and humor into her costume that fishnets and stillettos. I know that isn't true...and I understand. But I personally don't look for the sexiest costume on a man. At least not since college when I went to that party and the "Knight in Shining Armor" flirted with me. He asked if I'd like to take a walk so we went around the block and what started with me not being able to wait to tell my grandchildren that their grandfather was dressed as a knight when I met him...ended with me running back into the house and grabbing my friend Sarah while loudly whispering "RAINY DAY RAINY DAY" which was our code for "We need to get the hell outta here." What he said on the walk is not at all appropriate for the blog, but buy me a drink someday and I'll tell you all about it. Point is....he may have been hot, and a knight...but he was also a freakshow.

Since then I look for the funny. Funny Halloween costumes I have seen included a guy dressed all in pink with a little table on his head...he was gum. Or last year we saw two guys in a cardboard rowboat...that was pretty good.

"Oh Brooke, you think you are so clever! Tell us what YOU have been for Halloween then?" Fine, I will...but I will tell you that they are all yawners cause I'm a hypocrite...and you really should know that by now. Starting from college I have been the following:
-Butterfly
-Queen Bee (Bea)
-Harly Davidson Tough Ass Bitch (complete with a tattoo that said "Born to Ride" and another one that said "I Like Bikes")
-Sexy Elephant
-The CTA (complete with a felt "pee puddle" that I would make people sit on when they sat next to me)

Let's all step it up a little bit next year, that's all I'm asking. Ladies...when thinking about Halloween whores...I mean Horrors...think blood and ghosts and goblins. But not sexy bloody ghosts or goblins. And men...when you go to a party don't hit on a girl who is dressed as anything sexy and bloody because maybe that's foreshadowing. I think next year we should all go as something sexy and wildly inappropriate. I'll take sexy mortician. Who's up for being sexy five year old? Or we coud have a farm, c'mon Handbag girls...who gets to be the pig and who gets to be the cow? I'm obviously gonna be the Chicken. Or we could do sexy food...that's it. Next year I'm going as a sexy cheeseburger.

Wait...I figured it out. Next year Brigitte you go as Paula Dean and I'll go as a turduckin. I mean, I'll have to be a sexy turduckin but who are we kidding? Doesn't Paula Dean think ALL turduckin's are sexy? We could get all the girls involved, Trista could be a yam with marshmallows, Trish could be a stick of butter, Clarissa could be a pretzel wrapped in bacon (talk about sexy!) it would be "The Gals of HIAH as 'Paula Dean's Southern Thanksgiving Spectacular'" and then as Paula Dean you could be chasing us everywhere we went. I love it.

All I'm saying is this. Animals arn't sexy. And Ladies, you can't just go to Victoria's Secret and buy yourself some lingere and then stick a pair of ears on your head and call it Halloween. Because you know why? It makes fat girls like me SEETHE and write blogs about how we wish you were more creative when really we just wish you had two chins and thunder thighs.

But whether you are the man hitting on her...or the girl herself dressed as a sexy cat...you people stay away from my Lucy.

Happy Halloween Everyone!