I Know That My Strong Attention To Detail And Background In Customer Service Will Be A Revolutionary Asset To Your Organization zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm going to say something now that is true for everyone. I believe that NO ONE will argue this. Here it goes.

Making a resume is about as fun as changing a litterbox.

Both things are a drag, things that you procrastinate, things you wish someone else would just do for you. But both are things that need to be done. A litterbox is a place to shit, a resume is a place to bullshit. And much like you would be embarrassed to have someone over when you have a dirty cat box (except Brannen...or mom...or Angie...or Kris...or...oh you get it) it's also embarrassing to have a stupid looking resume. And here is why, and this is something that is true for everyone.

Stupid looking resumes get photocopied and passed around an office for everyone to laugh at.

It happens, at every job I've had there has at some point been the sudden burst of laughter as a co-worker or even boss opens the mail and beckons everyone to "Come get a load of this resume!" (ok, so no one really says "getta load of..." anymore, but I wish they did...makes me giggle) and everyone stops clicking away at their keyboards and goes and gets a look at the stupid resume. Working in theatre is worse, cause if the resume isn't stupid, there is always a stupid looking headshot to point at. People get slammed in offices every day and don't even know it. I don't want to be one of those people. If I learned anything from high school it was this, "Blend in, try not to be noticed, no one will get hurt".

It's the same with stupid emails. Who remembers the day I couldn't stop laughing when we got the email saying "I want my money back, there were no real swans in Swan Lake!" I think I actually still have that email. Or what about the report card I found when we were rehearsing Parade at the park district of the little girl who got all F's and then the note said, "Lupe talks too much in class" I think that is still on my fridge.

People love stupid people. They love to point fingers. Especially in an office where everyone is bored out of their skulls for eight hours straight.

So, you can't look like an idiot in your resume. Hence the resume pressures. However, you don't want to sound like a pretentious jackass either. I love resume language, what if people really talked like that?

A: Hey! What are you up to?
B: Oh, I'm just using my advanced interdisciplinary skills to facilitate this knot-work in order to create preventative measures for my shoes becoming disengaged from my feet.
A: Um...cool...well there's a raging party tonight if you want to come...
B: With sincere apologies, I regret to inform you that I will be unable to attend said party. I will be assisting in the coordination of a merger between myself and a pepperoni pizza in order to eradicate the hunger in my stomach.
A: Um, K, whatev.

People don't talk like their resumes because we would all hate each other if we talked like that. Here is something that is true all the time for everyone...

The only reason to use large words on a resume is to prove to your future employer that you are aware of the definitions and spellings of large words.

"You can count on me...I use spell check!"

Lately I haven't been afraid, like I used to be, to ask for definitions. (Though I am still afraid of The Ring) It's so funny that I didn't realize until recently that you can either pretend to understand words in order to appear smarter...Or just ask for the definition and BECOME smarter. Genius. I've decided to take a few words a week that I've heard a lot and really learn their definitions. This weeks word was exacerbated...Which sounds like a few things...none of which are the right definition. I remember my friend Olivia using this word in college once and me thinking, "Oh Olivia, she meant to say exaggerated and messed up, don't laugh at her..." nice. There is an art to being loquacious though...you never want to say things like "loquacious" in common conversation because as soon as you leave everyone will will roll their eyes at you. And another thing that is always true about big words...

People who consistently use big words in casual conversation are afraid that they are unintelligent and have something to prove.

Knowing this gives you a one-up on them and keys you in to a button that you can push later, if you are the type of person who seeks power and likes to push buttons. Not that I am that type of person. I'm just saying. Moving on...

I like made-up words the best, and similies. Someone who can phrase something in a way I've never heard before will hold my attention longer than someone spouting out thesaurus entries. That's why I like my friends so much, they all have a sort of poetic wit, particularly when they write, that makes me giggle...or sometimes, gasp, think. My mom is the grammar police, which is good when you need something proofread, but I enjoy making up words for her. Example, today's email.

"Hi Mom-bo, this is my new resume, look it over and tell me if it sounds dumblyish. If there is anything you think should be changed, just change it."

My mom is exceptionally smart, especially with words. It's my mom who made us appreciate wordplay, absurdity and wit as opposed to poo and pee humor. And for that I am grateful. Although I do still get a little kick out of, "If you're Canadian when you go in the bathroom, and American when you come out...what are you while you're in the bathroom?" (European) And also I did laugh really hard at Bad Santa which my mother would just abhor. C'est la vie. Sometimes to make mom shake at her core I like to send emails where everything ends in preposition.

"Hi Wooley Mom-math, how is your day today, at?"

Cause my momma has it out for prepositions, and prepositions...if I can give you one warning, mom is going to use her fake laugh around you next time she sees you. Cause she doesn't like you one bit, at.

Anyway, after writing about all of my coordinating and assisting and arranging and facilitating this morning I stepped back and thought to myself, "Damn...I'm a pretty smart cookie." (Ok, I didn't say Cookie...I just came home from a reading of a play that takes place in a 50's prison, I'm a little stuck on the lingo, you see kid?) Looking at my resume made me realize that I have done more at my jobs then I realized I was doing when I was there. Stuff that I was totally untrained and under qualified to do, but did anyway. Most of the time. So way to go me! Also I was able to see documented before me all the things I've accomplished professionally. Not too shabby, my confidence was boosted. And even though everything was mostly random and unconnected, I decided that just makes me well rounded. (Sure, why not?) Here are the jobs I've received money for in my lifetime...this would be my resume if I had my druthers. (Ha! druthers! Who do I think I am tonight?)

-Grocery store clerk
-Babysitter
-Made little people out of toothpicks and string and sold some of them
-Manager of telemarketers
-Paid to watch a historic house. Really, to sit in and make sure nothing happened to an old house.
-Screaming Ballerinas ("We DEMAND more bananas!" Yes, that is where I learned the many similarities between ballerinas and monkeys. Mainly that they all love bananas, they are flexible, and they will throw a bunch of crap at you if you piss them off.)
-offices offices offices
- Sales. How someone with a severe learning math learning disability like me was given a job in sales speaks volumes for the integrity of the company.
-Stage manager, director, assistant director, production assistant, playwright, editor, write-my-paper-for-me-and-I'll give-you-thirty-dollars, coordinator, facilitator, arranger, assistant.
-Hooker

Ok, the last one isn't true, I just have a lot of parents reading this and you gotta shake 'em up now and then right?

I really don't have a lot to say right now, I just keep writing so that I don't have to go finish up making my resume. Because as soon as the resume is done I have to start making the cover letters...and there is NOTHING worse than cover letters. It's like making a dating profile but only about the boring stuff. Replace "I like long walks on the beach" with "I enjoy challenging tasks" and replace "I'm a Virgo" with "I'm a problem-solver" and it's really all the same desperate plea to be noticed isn't it? And here is one thing about cover letters (and dating profiles) that you will all agree with...

It's all lies.

I'm neither energetic nor an excellent multi-tasker. I can be organized, and I do approach tasks creatively...but only if they are fun tasks to start with. I'm a team player in the sense that I like to hang out with co-workers at bars after work and gossip about the co-workers who couldn't make it. I mean, when applying for office jobs what is there to really say...everyone knows you are just BSing...if you wanted to show how honest you were you could write a letter like this...

To Whom it May Concern,
I would like you to consider me for this job because I am down to eating once a day and my mom is going to freak out if she has to slip me another twenty bucks this week. I will work hard unless I'm really hungover in which case I will call in sick.
Sincerely,
Brooke

Here is another truism...

The only reason for a cover letter is to show that you know how to correctly format a letter. And to use big words some more.

And you know, shouldn't it be the future employee who interviews the future boss? I mean, you suck up and work your ass off trying to impress these people and then you are the one that is stuck sitting there all day (making rubber band balls) working.

I'm just being silly, I really can be very motivated and work hard (she says as she realizes someone reading this may have been considering offering her a job) but there are certain things I'm better at than others. I've been sorting it all out lately and have realized some surprising things about what types of jobs I might like to have in the future. Mostly they are the complete opposite of every job I've ever had in the past. Damn.

In closing, here is the best way to make a resume that I have found, and the easiest.
1) Find Angie's resume from when she borrowed your computer
2) Change "Angie" to "Brooke"
3) Use a lot of her same adjectives but replace her duties with yours.
4) Send it to Mom for proofing.
5) Go to dinner with Brannen.

Badda Boom Badda Bing, it's that easy. I'll be filing files and entering data in no time. Whee.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone, be ready...this Wednesday through Saturday the blog will be brought to you live from Vegas. Hilarity will ensue.