New Years Eve

That is a picture of my purse the way that I found it this morning. With a mans tie, a pack of smokes, and a pair of pantyhose exploding out of it. If I didn't know I was such a dork I'd think I was a freaking rockstar.

Let me tell you a little bit about the sisterhood of the traveling pantyhose. But I must start from the beginning, so here goes. My New Year...

First, I spent the daytime part of the day with Erik and Jacob. We had a blast and I became addicted to this game they have called "20Q" where you think of something and this little machine asks you 20 questions until it figures it out. And the scary thing is that is ALWAYS figures it out. So I of course was determined to stump it. After guessing "Sapphire" and "Billboard" I finally did stump it with the challenging word "yarn", but not before it freaked us all out by guessing "Fairy" after only a handful of vague clues.

Erik was later able to stump it by thing of the word "shopping cart" to which the game guessed "machine gun". Then it was off to Target, which you read about yesterday.

Then it was time to go to Kaide's to hang out and have a New Years Dinner with her and baby Sam. When I arrived I hugged and kissed that baby and then went to go change him with Kaide. I've decided that if anyone was watching, this is how they would know who was the mother and who was the single friend. When his diaper came off and Sam burst out laughing and peed straight into the air...I screamed and ran away while Kaide jumped toward the baby. Kaide dealt with the pee while Aunt Bea (that's me!) went to the bathroom to get baby pee off my jeans. We had a great time though and made Sam laugh a lot which is my favorite thing...here are some pics from that.

Then, when I got back to my apartment I realized it was later than I thought, I tore my coat off as I bolted up the stairs like someone out of a movie which was actually really fun and then ran through my house tearing off clothes and jumped in the shower. I then proceeded to girlify myself in the record time of one hour.

I used curlers. Which sort of gave me Shirley Temple hair at first and I thought, "Well, I guess I'm staying in." but then I managed to fix it and all was well. And I have to say, I looked pretty damn good. I was very proud, as I am most New Years when I run around like crazy and then stop and look in the mirror and think, "hey, I'm not half bad at this." I wore a gold meshy shirt with red bra and a gold and red sash around my neck...black skirt from New Years '01 and '04, red bracelet, pantyhose, and black shoes. Then I grabbed my vintage gold purse from Claire and stuffed it with many usual purse things but also included a spare pair of pantyhose.

Now. Here are some things I have always heard. I've heard to always keep ten dollars in your bra in case you get mugged (though I'm not sure how ten will really help) and to always carry a spare pair of hose in your purse in case the pair you are wearing runs early in the night. The ten dollars I only did once a few years ago. It was humiliating because I ordered a drink, realized I had no cash and then had to reach in and pull cash out of my tatas like a total skank. The bartender thought I was trying to impress him and gave me the, "Yeah right" look as I died a slow painful death. But the panty hose trick I'd never tried. Let me tell you, just trust the ones you're wearing cause the ones in your purse are WAY more trouble. We're getting there.

On my street I heard a bottle crash and someone yell, "Hell yeah bitches! Woo! Happy New Year!" So, finally at 11:00 I was out the door and ready to go. I arrived at the Hell in a Handbag party and was met with rave reviews...I don't think Cerda even recognized me at first because of the curly. It was fun, all the usual suspects were there, Ed Jones, Derek Czaplewski, Steve Hickson, Jen Connolly, Psychotic Trista Smith, Branny, Briggy, the Tims, Mike Miller, BC, you know, the Handbaggers. Brannen and I impressed everyone with our impromptu interpretive dance to Madonna's "Open You're Heart" and I drank a severe amount of whiskey. When it was time for the countdown (it was 12:02 but we just pretended like we didn't notice) we all stood in a circle with noisemakers and champagne and it was so nice to look around and see the faces of all the people who have been in my life ever since I moved here in 2002. I realized I have spent each New Years with them and that regardless of who ended up where or was doing what...these were the people I would always be able to come back to.

The first person I kissed at midnight was of course my Brannen...then everyone else in the room for luck. It's my favorite part of the night right at midnight when everyone is hugging everyone no matter what. I even ran over and hugged the bartender. Because no matter what people say, I like "Happy New Year" more than "Happy Birthday" or "Happy Holidays" or any of the others. There is just so much sincere hope in it.

Anyway, then there was some dancing and drinking. Then Brannen got down on one knee in front of everyone and proposed with one of his giant rings that he uses for Liberace in the show he's doing (Judy's Scary Little Christmas). I of course accepted and everyone laughed. I ran over to my newly engaged friend Melissa and shouted, "Who's planning who's bachelorette party now?!" But of course, Melissa's fiance is real and I am always a bridesmaid. Actually, I've never even been a bridesmaid. Screw "always a bridesmaid never a bride" I'm "always a b-list guest never a bridesmaid".

Then it was time to leave so Brannen and I met up with Nick and Jon at Trax. It was crowded, I'm not used to Trax on a busy night. Nick befriended a guy we affectionately referred to as "Rent Boy" cause he looked like a character from Rent...or the kind of person who bought rush front row tickets to every performance and followed them on tour during the mid nineties.

Enter pantyhose faux pas number one...

-As the chain from my vintage gold purse broke...we all watched in slow motion as the purse fell from my hands onto the floor in front of everyone...spilled open...and released among other things my balled up pantyhose which then flew across the floor, unraveling themselves as they went. Everyone saw it. I frantically pounced on the pantyhose while my boys cleaned up the rest of the spilled purse contents. Embarrassing.

The ugly lights came up and it was time to leave Trax. Brannen, who is somewhat like Cinderella and can turn into a pumpkin after a certain amount of time (though I suppose Cinderella never turned into a pumpkin, but the stuff around her did...which might have been convenient around Halloween. Also, does everyone know that Cinderella is named Cinderella because of working near the fireplaces and getting dirty from all the cinders? Because I only recently connected that. Moving on.) left, but dropped us all off at a dance club first. It was hilarious. Our hair stood up from the vibrations of the loud music. We drank more and danced. Seemingly out of nowhere Kris arrived with his friend who I'd never met before. His friend had an awesome hat and was very suave and also seemed to be some sort of Chicago icon because everyone knew him and his round of drinks was absurdly cheap.

Kris and I drank, among other things.

Then I danced on the dancefloor for a while. The place was packed. A woman pointed to my purse and I realized it was open, so I closed it and left the dancefloor to go back to drinking, among other things, with Kris. Jon came running over, "Oh my god, someone else is having a pantyhose problem too, there is a pair floating around on the dance floor!" My face went white. I looked into my vintage gold purse, and there they weren't. I had dropped my spare pantyhose on the dance floor. In front of everyone, and now they were floating around underneath everyones feet as they danced begging the question of each dancer, "How exactly did this happen?" I gave Jon the "Let's never talk about this again sign but he ran off laughing and yelling, "I have to go tell Nick!" and then like out of a movie I just turned around and did my lemondrop shot with Kris.

I ran back onto the floor to get my pantyhose but it was too late, someone had picked them up and cleared them away with the rest of the party hats, empty glasses and fallen t-shirts from those who had stripped down slightly. Goodbye pantyhose, I only knew you briefly.

Kris and I got waaaaaasssssssttttttteeeeeed.

Then, a bet was waged. There was a stage, and jutting out from that stage was a runway of sorts that came about halfway into the dancefloor. It was dinner at Firefly for Nick if he would get on that runway and dance with his shirt off. I can't believe it, but he did it. And since I can't afford buying dinner at Firefly I had to win back my loss, by joining him. (I was allowed to keep my shirt on) and so we danced and danced and danced on a runway stage over a sea of other dancing cheering people. Until Jon came to inform us that Kris had dissapeared. A small search party went looking for Kris all through the place but I wasn't to worried since Kris had early made what our friend Kelly refers to as "Run Face". Kris is a man of mystery, and in one second he arrives out of no where, in the next he disappears.

And so the night ended. Jon and Rent and Nick and I went back to Nicks for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and some VH1 around 5:30 in the morning and then all proceeded to pass out. But not before I was able to get my drunk little mitts on Nick's computer for some drunken emailing fun. Again, big apologies to anyone who was a recipient of one of those last night.

This morning I surveyed the damage. I had Kris's tie. A pile of my jewelry in Nicks bathroom. A broken purse. A lot less money. A stamp on my hand that read, "BOYZ", somewhat curly hair, a hangover and eyeliner everywhere.

All signs of a stellar New Years Eve if you ask me.