Morgan Freeman Hates Penguins

Ok, how many times did YOU cry while watching March of the Penguins? This movie is SAD. I almost didn't want to rent it cause I KNEW it would be really sad, but GOD. Lucy and I watched it together, and I think she cried too. And, you guys, she was really watching it, I mean like, seemed invested and was following things with her eyes and stuff. And when the Penguins all started honking or barking or whatever...Lucy started making these weird Penguin noises that I'd never heard before. I'm just sayin', Lucy might be part Penguin. Which, frankly, would explain A LOT.

Anyway, in the above picture there is a baby penguin. $20 to the first person who can spot it.

I like movies about nature, I don't find them boring.

But here is where I cried:

-Monogomous Penguin couple tries to pass their egg from the mother to the father and the egg breaks. Then the couple just looks at it sadly for a long time.
-Lone Penguin didn't make it in time to travel the 70 miles with the herd. Morgan Freeman casualy tells us, "He has no chance for survival on his own. None." And you know, I started to get the feeling that Morgan Freeman wanted these Penguins to die. I mean, it was like Eeyore narrating the movie. "This Penguin is happy right now, but it will undoubtedly live a hard shameful life and get frozen head first in a giant snowbank soon, a veritable Peng-sicle." He kept talking about how hard their lives were, which I understand but...man lay off. I felt like the whole script should have just been, "See that one...he's a goner...now watch that one...yep...there he goes." I'm excited for the sequel called, "Revenge of the Penguins" where Zombie Penguins who are no longer affected by the cold return from their watery graves to spawn zombie babies who all eat Morgan Freeman.
-When the old man Penguin just fell over and layed down and we got to slowly watch him close his eyes and die. That was fun.
-When the mama Penguins all went back to the sea for the first time and they were so happy and finally getting to eat after like, being anorexic and giving birth (my first of many comparisons between Hollywood starlets and penguins) and they swam around happily until one of them, almost out of the water, was snatched up by some...I don't know, Sea Lion? I'd never seen anything like it...It was like a manatee and an eel and I hated it. God the ocean is scary. I decided last night that if there is such a thing as hell, it's being sent to your greatest fear, so if I go to hell...I'm going underwater to the center of the ocean. Oh man, I'm really getting freaked out just thinking about this. Anyway, the mama Penguin was just about out and she was snapped up and carried off, still alive though barely, by the creature. And then Morgan Freeman casually let's us know that "Unknowingly the Sea Lion has claimed two lives. That of the mother Penguin, and that of her waiting unborn chick, who will have no food and no chance of survival once it is born." Thanks Morgan. I guess because I'm adopted I liked to think that another Penguin mama would take care of the abandoned chick...but...it might not work like that in Penguin world.
-When that big bird came down and started trying to steal all the babies. Luckily some of them were so fat they couldn't be picked up. Not so lucky for other ones. Sad. Even Morgan Freeman didn't talk a lot during that part. And Luckily it just showed the bird stealing the penguins, not eating them. But I still hated it.

Here is where I laughed:

-When the Penguins slid down the hill and one penguin bumped into the other one. Ha ha. Morgan Freeman didn't laugh, he just chastized them for being clumsy.
-When the hungry baby Penguins finally got fed and their tummys expanded till they were huge and roley-poley and funny.
-When Lucy started honking at the penguins.

Here is where I openly wept:

-One of the baby Penguins dies because it is so cold. It's just lying there on the ice, dead, and the mama finds it and starts poking at it and then, like, weeping. She honks out in agony and flails her head around. And, since that is not obvious, Morgan Freeman informs us that, "The pain of this loss is unbearable" which on the one hand was interesting for me because, you never know if that pain translates into animals. I mean, I personally can't actually think of anything that would be more painful than losing your child...and so it must prove that animals agree on a much more basic-need level. There is more to animal life than just basic instinct it seems. Anyway, the mama weeps for her dead Pengie and so do I, and then in a fit of rage that even seems to make Freeman nervous, she decides to kidnap someone elses chick. She reaches down and lunges for another woman's chick but the other mama's won't allow it, they gang up to get the Penguin in Mourning off the mama and protect the scared baby. Then a couple mama Penguins lay the mourning Penguin down and relax her and all is calm. Just goes to show you...no matter what species, on what continent, at the core of things....women are always a tribe.

So, that was March of the Penguins. Glad I saw it, though who knew it would be such an emotional roller coaster? And perhaps if they make more movies about animals they could have slightly less depressive narrators, here are my ideas.

- "Swim of the Goldfish" - Narrated by Mary Lou Retton
- "Purr of the Kitties" - Narrated by Carol Channing
- "The Shaving of the Lambs" - Narrated by Hannibal Lector
and finally...
- "Chinchillas are Hot" - Narrated by Paris Hilton, who then breaks the rule of not interferring with the documentary by stepping into the slew of wild chinchillas and grabbing one with her bare hands, skinning it with her teeth and wrapping the fur gingerly around her neck, clasping it with a Tiffany broach, and putting on an oversized cowboy hat for an elegant day to evening look.