Eye Can't Stand It: Eye Drama Continues

Eye would like to thank you all for your warm wishes of recovery and health. The flowers are all beautiful and the cards, prayers, telethons and telegrams were all above and beyond the call of duty.

That being said, it looks like Eye am on the road to recovery.

Sorta.

That little eye is usually just about the same size as that jumbo eye over there stage right, but it's on it's way. This picture makes me laugh, Eye feel like there should be a corn cob pipe in my mouth and Eye should be plunking on the banjo. Actually, this picture would be sort of cute if Eye didn't have that zit and if it didn't look like my man-friend Zeb hadn't just found me rollin' in the hay with his cousin and clocked me one in the eye. Eye like how the other eye is over compensating by being really REALLY big, "It's ok, lefty...rest, I will do the seeing for both of us!" Eye have always felt like my left eye looks at things a little harder than my right eye, so this will be a good exercise Eye think.

Anyway, Eye can't go to the doctor cause Eye ain't got no insurance no more so Eye put a call in to my stepmom to see if she thought it sounded like anything she'd ever seen while working for my dad. Eye got the voicemail. But here is my self diagnosis.

Eye think there is something in there. Although all of you think it is pink eye. Eye noticed the second it started to freeze with the burning ice of hot frozen pain last night (yeah, that's right) as if something had just flown right in and landed. It reminded me of that time Eye had dinner with Lisa and couldn't concentrate because there was a giant breadcrumb in my eye, shredding my pupil like so much grated cheese each time Eye blunk. (Yeah, Eye just wrote blunk instead of blinked, but Eye think we should admit our mistakes so that we don't feel as bad laughing at other people sometimes.) Or it reminded me of the time Eye rammed my thumb into my eye at Brannen's which you loyal blog readers read about. Or the time Eye was playing "Bloody Murder" as a kid in our front yard and a giant fly flew right into my eye and got trapped under my bottom eyelid and was trying to fly around and Eye was screaming bloody murder about it but everyone just thought Eye was winning. Ok, Eye James Freyed that part up for effect, we were really just playing tag since Eye was too scared to ever play Bloody Murder...or was it called Bloody Mary? Eye don't know. Either way Eye nearly fainted and the babysitter had to reach into my flyfilled eyelid which was like a pelican holding it's dinner and scoop the dying fly out.

How do you like that story Brig?

This morning when Eye woke up it wouldn't open. Eye mean, at all. Eye finally had to steam the bathroom and stand in the shower trying to unglue it. And then I figure while Eye was there Eye'd wash my hair too. Why not right?

True story. My dad once had a patient who had put super glue in her eye instead of her eyedrops. Eye now understand that woman's pain.

Eye wish Eye could have more laughs about it the way Big Gay Jim did when he had that damn stye a couple years ago. My friend had a stye in his eye and like, threw a party for it. He named it Byron and gave it a whole personality. It called me at work once, "Hey, this is Byron, Jim's stye? We met at the party?" Yeah, Big Gay Jim's Stye was straight as an arrow...and kind of a jerk. You would walk past Jim and hear, "Niiiice, yeah baby" in this deep voice and Big Gay Jim would just point to the stye and giggle and say, "Waaa, soRRy...it was totes the stye, whatev's, love you kiss kiss!"

(PS: Speaking of BGJ, anyone on MySpace please go to my profile and find Kelly the cheerleader, I think it's on page 2 of my friends...you won't regret it. Jock Jams!)

So, long story short...Eye followed my friends painful painful advice of "just fill up your sink, stick your head in and open your eyes for a second. That's what I always do." When this happened in my house today there was an audible scream. Though Eye do feel miraculously better. So, thank you nameless friend named Eddie.

Anyway, everyone enjoy your eyes today. Take a special consideration as to how lucky you are that they are not being clawed out slowly by little tiny kittens that live in your lashes the way mine are.

Eye will be fine tomorrow, Eye just know it.