Blissfully Naive

Straight men, there is such a startling lack of you in this city. And we have to take into account the fact that some of you are married, some of you are mental, and some of you are actually, let's be honest here, gay. So...Why make it any harder on yourselves?
And, women...The next time you are sitting around with your girlfriends trying to analyze what Joe Schmo meant by, "I just want to be friends" remember that there isn't always much to analyze.
No people, this is not a guy bashing blog at all. The straight male friends I have in this city are awesome great people. All five of them. It's just that they are few and far between. Especially since I don't ever associate with............................The Stripes.

What's a Stripe you ask? Here are some of the criteria...
-He lives in or around Lincoln Park
-He was in a frat
-He only shops at JCrew, Old Navy, and Sports Authority
-He has a white baseball hat that he wears all the time.
-His parents own a boat
-He works in sales at some corporate office, but he's not really a hot shot or anything...Just, in sales
-He's seen Dave Matthews live 37 times
-To his friends he claims to like Phish, though he never listens to it when he's alone
-Khakis
-Jean shorts, with a belt, and a polo
-Country club
-Golf
-When trying to impress an intelligent girl by telling her his favorite books, he rattles off the names of the last books from high school he can remember reading, "I like deep books, like Brave New World, Romeo and Juliet, Canterbury Tales and To Kill a Mockingbird."
-He's never been to a play.
-He only drinks beer and whiskey shots
-He has a nickname, and has given everyone a nickname
-He uses the word "Johnson"
-He laughs at potty humor and slapstick only, anything nuanced is way over his head
-He cheats on his girlfried
-He only dates Trixies (blonde, Jetta, Starbucks, oversized purse), although once in a while will take a spin with a punk girl, or a chubby girl, or a brunette.
-All of his furniture came in a set
-And his favorite sweater, from Abercrombie and Fitch, is Navy Blue with one big solid horizontal beige stripe running across the chest.

I never have to worry about getting my heartbroken by a Stripe, because I would never be attracted to one. What attracts me to a guy is the following...
-Sense of humor
-Sense of personal space
-Talent
-Nice Hands
-Confidence
-Familiarity (Being able to spot some common ground especially in regards to quirky things)
-Uniqeness

And since Stripes don't really have any of that except maybe nice hands sometimes, I don't have to worry.

I'm a little scared of Stripes sometimes. If they are drunk they will either hit on your body, ("Shit girl, you have such a great chest!") or they will be mean to your body, ("Whoa, look at that fat ass") or they will be confused by your body ("All your friends are dancing, why do you look so pissed off?") I mean, I'm not scared of them, but they make me nervous and I want them to go away. So last night while Brannen and I were continuing our Chicken Wing Binge Tour 2006 at Fizz, (which is a good cheap restaurant despite the Stripes and the sleepy waitress, "Sorry, you wanted wha...Another coke? Oh...Sure...zzzzzzzzz.") I was distracted and perplexed by the crew of Stripes that came and sat down at the tale right next to us. They fit all Stripe material and were even representing all forms of stripes...Such as...

THE FAT STRIPE: This guy is ugly and fat but cool by association. He's hilarious and throws wicked parties so the guys like him. The girls have been conditioned to think he's cute because of his popularity. The girls refer to him as "Such a teddy bear!" and the least popular girl is generally in a long term relationship with him. In private he tells her really sweet things, and he raced to her side at the hospital that time the doctor botched her nose job...He's at the heart a decent guy, just caught up in the stripiness.

THE MARRIED STRIPE: Married Stripe got married too soon. His girlfriend was pressuring him, plus she was rich and her dad had a good job for him at the company, where he still works. He and his wife had a gigantic wedding, he was the first of the Stripes to wed. There were cigars, tuxedos, a live band, 12 groomsmen, the works. At the bachelor party Married Stripe got wasted and ended up slipping the stripper more than a dollar bill in her panties. But none of the guys are ever going to rat him out. He not only doesn't love his wife, but can't even stand her anymore and takes every chance he gets to leave the house. He's cheating on her all over the place. She put on weight. They barely have sex. He's cheating on her. They will be divorced in three years and he will start dating a b-celebrity who supports him while his ex-wife binges on Xanex and tries to light his car on fire.

THE MINI STRIPE: This guy is a tool. And he's really short. The Stripes all make fun of him. Girls at parties get drunk and make out with him and then regret it. He has a ton of family money. He likes to start fights, gets angry easily, chases tail, and has never had a serious anything (job, girlfriend, etc.) He is the most offensive, dirtiest, and socially clueless of the bunch. Even the other Stripes make fun of him. He gets too drunk, he is slimy, he lies. The only one he has any power over is FAT STRIPE. Think Farley/Spade, except with no sense of humor.

THE CLASSIC STRIPE: He is the leader. He is surprisingly smooth, reasonably attracted, and the most sought after of the Stripes. He can have anyone at any time but is selective. He's manipulative enough to never come across as a jerk. He works for his dad and will be inheriting all that money and power in due time. If the conversation gets too vile he'll be the first to say, "Guys, guys..." And he can sweet talk any lady since he's observant enough to know what they'll respond to. He's smart, but cunning. One of the girls in there group is his "Best Friend" and honestly nothing has happened, but the combination is very threatening to other girls. He's the one you'll accidentally fall for...And he'll get you every time.

This blog is all about lists it seems. So, appropriate then that I should now list the various comments that spewed forth from this table of Stripes while Brannen and I giggled and nearly chocked on chicken wing bones while listening.

-"I slept with that chick last night after the party" "Slept with her, like, passed out?" "Naw man, I had sex with her" "Oh, sweet."

-"Jimmy is still dating the three V's...Veronica, Vanessa and Victoria." "They know about each other?" "Naw man, they don't know about each other." "He should tell them, that would be sweet he could have them all at once...All girls with V names."

-"She's into me, she leaves me myspace messages every day" "Is she cool?" "Yeah, she's cool as hell, but she's not hot." "Oh, that sucks."

-"Have you ever seen that bitches teeth? Her grill is so f-ed up you could play tic tac toe in her mouth"

-"this place is dead" "yeah man, you'd think more people would come here for $5 burgers and beer" "yeah man, what the hell?" "this sucks"

-"Do you think people are just blissfully naive when we make fun of them to their face...Or they just can't think of a good enough comeback for us?"

-"my wife is trying to make me quit." "what?" "no way man, fuck that shit." "well, I just don't do it around her and she doesn't know. It doesn't matter."

Straight men of Chicago, and all across this country..I have a mission for you today. I know that guys will be guys and all that. And that's great. But please do this one thing for me, the next time you and the guys go out to a restaurant and sit next to a girl, or a couple girls, without any intention of hitting on them....Even if they are (god forbid) unattractive...Please have at east one conversation that will redeem your species in female eyes. Just say, "have you read any good books lately" to your male friend at the table or, "Don't You think Jane Doe has really pretty eyes?" Anything. Just loud enough so that the girl sitting at the next table can hear you and grasp on to one little last string of hope that you are not all total Stripes.